Finn Balor’s Wrestlemania Moment

The following is a work of  (plausible) fiction.

Michael Cole: Wrestlemania rolls on and it’s time now for the 2nd Annual Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royale!

Jerry “The King” Lawler: That’s happening right now, Michael??

Cole: It sure is, King! It’s a Wrestlemania tradition!

JBL: I’m still reeling from that last match! I am shocked that The Bellas defeated AJ Lee and Paige so quickly. Somebody call King Kong Bundy, Maggle! I think they broke his record!

Cole: Yeah, and after a loss like that, you gotta believe that AJ might be too embarrassed to ever show her face again in WWE.

King: Look at all the superstars filling up the ring! There must be fifty guys in there!

Cole: Here comes Ryback! He looks hungry!

JBL: Not a lot of people can throw Ryback over the top rope but if anyone can, it’s this guy right here: The Big Show! He’s gotta be the favorite!

King: I just don’t see how anyone can throw Big Show over the top rope! He’s just too big!

Cole: If you’ll recall, last year Cesa-

JBL: NO ONE HAS EVER THROWN BIG SHOW OVER THE TOP, MAGGLE!!! IT CAN’T BE DONE! WHAT KIND OF STUPID MORON THINKS THAT BIG SHOW IS NOT GOING TO WIN TONIGHT!?

Cole: That remains to be seen, John. Anyway, here comes Daniel Bryan. You know, guys, Daniel Bryan had his heart set on being in the Intercontinental Title ladder match earlier tonight, but Corporate Kane had other ideas as Kane would attack Bryan before the match even started. Daniel Bryan and his never say die attitude, however, went on to insist on being in this battle royale and you better believe Daniel Bryan can’t wait to get his hands on Kane!

JBL: Hellfire and brimstone, gentlemen! I certainly wouldn’t want to be Daniel Bryan right about now!

Cole: I can’t believe what I am seeing! Kane has put that evil demonic mask back on for some unexplained reason and he is going to compete in this battle royale as the Demon Kane!

King: The other superstars in that ring have to be intimidated by the Demon Kane. We’ve never seen anything like the Demon Kane before!

Everyone steps aside for the Demon Kane as he stands in the middle of the ring, about to summon fire from the ringposts. Instead, the lights go out completely…. 

King: What the heck?

Cole: I apologize as we seem to be having some technical difficulties…

Spotlight appears at the top of the ramp. Crowd erupts for Finn Balor, dressed in full cosplay make-up…

Cole: Oh my, wait just a minute! We forgot about the final participant in this match, guys!

JBL: Wait, what is that?

King: Is that a man?

JBL: It looks like some kind of freak!

Cole: Guys, that’s Finn Balor from NXT. He won a 4 man tournament earlier this week to earn the right to be in the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royale at Wrestlemania!

JBL: Yeah, but what is he wearing?

Cole: He’s from Ireland and he’s a bit eccentric. Anyone who has seen NXT on the WWE Network will know-

JBL: FOR HOW MUCH!!!!????

King: $9.99!

JBL: NAN NANNY NAN!!!!!

Cole: Balor will often dress up like this to intimidate his opponents and, guys, it has been very effective. He likes to play mind games.

JBL: WHAT THE HECK IS HE DOING? WHY IS HE CRAWLING!? YOU DON’T CRAWL TO THE RING! YOU WALK, MAGGLE! IS THIS GUY SOME KIND OF DUMB GUY??? HE DOESN’T EVEN WALK! OH LIKE I’M GOING TO BE INTIMIDATED BY SOME GUY CUZ HE’S CRAWLING AND HE’S DRESSED LIKE A CARTOON CHARACTER! WHAT IS HE SUPPOSED TO BE, A FRAGGLE, MAGGLE?

Cole: It’s from Lord of the Rings, guys. Ever heard of Smeagol?

King: I think he looks like Spider-man. It’s Spider-man, right?

JBL: HE’S A GOOFBALL DRESSED LIKE A DAMN FRAGGLE! THIS IS THE DUMBEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN! RON SIMMONS WOULD HAVE TAKEN ONE LOOK AT THIS GUY AND PUNCHED HIM IN THE MOUTH! YOU CAN’T COMPETE IN A MATCH DRESSED LIKE THAT! SHOW SOME DAMN RESPECT FOR THE BUSINESS! I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE THIS GUY GET THROWN OUT. HE SHOULD BE NOWHERE NEAR ANYTHING THAT HAS THE GREAT NAME OF ANDRE THE GIANT ATTACHED TO IT!

Cole: Look at all the superstars in the ring. They don’t know what to make of the eccentric Finn Balor!

JBL: DON’T KNOW WHAT TO MAKE OF HIM?? THE GUY’S A GOOF DRESSED LIKE A CARTOON LIKE SOME KIND OF NERD AT A COMIC BOOK CONVENTION!

Cole: Be that as it may, Finn Balor is making his Wrestlemania debut and he looks ready! We’re under way with the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royale at Wrestlemania!

King: OHHHHH! There goes Finn Smeagol! That didn’t take long!

Cole: The Primetime Players making quick work of the eccentric Finn Balor!

JBL: MILLIONS A DOLLAS!!!! HAHAHA!!!!

Cole: Balor obviously disappointed but he will have to head back to the dressing room.

JBL: GOOD RIDDANCE!

King: I don’t even think he knows what hit em!

Cole: Anyway, this match continues at Wrestlemania, the granddaddy of them all!!!

Tagged: andre the giant, antonio cesaro, battle royale, daniel bryan, finn balor, jbl, jerry lawler, kane, michael cole, prince devitt, ryback, the big show, wrestlemania, wrestlemania 31, wwe, WWE Network