For the second straight month, I missed the preshow and didn’t get to see an epic Dolph Ziggler vs. Baron Corbin match. I am beyond devastated. (not really)
Thank God “The Club” destroyed the Usos. This was how Gallows and Anderson should have been booked all along. They are gigantic tough guys who should be able to plow through anyone. Hopefully, they move away from “The Bloodline” angle for good and get to whatever The Club is really here to do.
Rusev is being pushed again and we can all rejoice. He became the new United States champion and Kalisto didn’t put up much of a fight. Of course, Rusev may only be keeping the belt warm for John Cena, but for now, I’m choosing to believe the Bulgarian Brute is being rewarded for being one of the most talented (and secretly funniest) guys on the roster.
The obligatory “new guy” push is officially over for The Vaudevillains. Xavier Woods, arguably the weakest of the New Day members, kicked out of their finisher straight up. New Day continue to be entertaining and are way over with the crowds but still, take away the brief run by the Prime Time Players, and they have been champs for well over a year.
What can even be said about the IC title match? It was anticipated to be the best match on the card and it was. It may have broken the record for most false finishes. I actually like that Miz retained here. Owens and Zayn don’t need a belt to feud forever and Cesaro can continue to chase the weasel heel who keeps squeaking by at his expense. Thumbs down to the camera crew for missing the finish.
The Asylum match was way too long. It was done no favors by having to follow the Fatal Fourway but Jericho and Ambrose really struggled to keep the crowd engaged in what was essentially a prop match. It all came together at the end, thankfully, when WWE finally relaxed their self-enforced PG rules and let an extreme match at an extreme show live up to its name. The barbed wire baseball bat was actually used, unlike at Wrestlemania, and Jericho took a huge bump into a pile of thumbtacks. It was bloody and nasty and it was absolutely the right call to sell the match. Ambrose left with a smile on his face, which I can only assume was because they actually let him do that. Moving forward he should become a darker character meant to be taken seriously. Time will tell.
A distraction finish to a submission match is a bit absurd but there was no way Natalya was winning, so whatever. Dana Brooke joining forces with Charlotte (and presumably Emma eventually) could mean we finally get a kayfabe version of the Four Horsewomen, a female heel stable that might have some legs for once.
Disappointing but not unexpected that Roman Reigns would retain the world title. Once again, AJ’s help was dispatched a little too easily for my liking but it was the best move to keep the match as much of a one on one affair as possible.
The Styles Clash can officially be retired as a finisher. Reigns kicked out of two of them, the second one on a chair. They justified it by having an Uso buy him some time, but it wasn’t that much time! Cesaro was knocked out from a Helluva kick longer.
Claiming Reigns is a superstar because he gets passionate reactions (re: boos) is a particularly smelly pile of horseshit. If Hulk Hogan had been booed out of the building every night, the wrestling landscape thirty years later would look very different.
SETH ROLLINS! Here’s to hoping Rollins and Reigns can finally be healthy at the same time so we can get the blow off to a feud two years in the making.
The Royal Rumble is the one match a year where anything is possible. (Or at least it seems that way on paper. Most of the field realistically has no chance) With a spot in the main event at Wrestlemania on the line, a Rumble victory can begin an ascension for a rising star or solidify the legacy of an established one. This year for the first time since 1992, the world title is on the line within the Rumble itself, despite the fact that the championship is not currently vacant. WWE champion, Roman Reigns, has defied the Authority at every turn and now if he is to hang on to the gold, he must survive what is in essence a 30 man over-the top-rope gauntlet match. Here are the major players in this year’s WWE Championship Royal Rumble:
THE FAVORITES
Roman Reigns(champion, entering at #1): In an effort to boost ratings and get Reigns over as the next big thing, Vince McMahon made his return to regular WWE programming as the Final Boss character in Roman’s beef with the Authority. The odds are stacked so high against the champion here, I really feel there’s no way he can walk away from this as the titleholder. Does WWE want Reigns to be their big draw so badly that they would essentially bury every single credible guy on the roster to do it? It’s crazy to think that the answer is YES but here we are. Roman Reigns, even if he doesn’t win (which he really, really shouldn’t just for the sake of plausibility) will definitely factor into the end of the match and his arc will carry the heavy lifting of the story this Rumble is going to tell, for better or worse.
Brock Lesnar: Perhaps the most likely winner, short of a retention by Reigns, the Beast Incarnate would be a worthy victor and champion just on credentials alone. Even the fact that he’s hardly ever around could be covered up by the fact that it’s Wrestlemania season and he surely will be around more than usual. The problem here is that Brock is immune to heel-face alignments. WWE has spent an inordinate and desperate amount of effort into getting cheers for Roman Reigns. When he got the jump on Lesnar last Monday, Roman was audibly booed. Also, though there is some precedent with Rock-Cena, it seems unlikely WWE would want to run the same Mania main event twice in a row.
Bray Wyatt: A darkhorse that has entered the narrative late in the game. On the go-home Raw, it was Wyatt and his family standing tall after beatdowns of Reigns and Lesnar. Either he will end up champion or he will be the reason Brock is not in the title picture at Wrestlemania. The latter feels like the most obvious route.
THE CONTENDERS
League of Nations: Sheamus & Alberto Del Rio have won Rumbles in the past and are both former world champions so it wouldn’t be shocking if they won, as much as it would be out of nowhere. Their existence so far has been as little more than fodder for Roman Reigns. One of them (or Rusev, who was in the final 2 with Roman last year) could win to continue the feud but that doesn’t seem like a big enough story to build Wrestlemania around.
Chris Jericho: It’s easy to overlook Y2J since this latest incarnation has been so incredibly lame but there are several outside factors that give him a chance. First, WWE needs him way more than he needs them and he has been vocally frustrated with his last couple of on-screen stints. What might they have promised him in exchange for a much-needed bolstering of their roster? Second, he was awfully jokey and chummy with Reigns on Raw but the last time he teamed with him, there was tension. A heel turn and another championship could very easily elevate Jericho’s character back to top form.
The Big Show: He’s one of the only superstars outside of the current main event scene to be booked as a threat. But he’s not. Come on. We’ve been doing this with Show for 20 years now.
Kevin Owens/ Dean Ambrose: These two are set to have a Last Man Standing match over the Intercontinental title but with WWE so short on healthy bodies, it would not be surprising to see two of the final four from the recent world title tournament pull double duty. They’re unlikely to win, but they could be in late contention.
THE WILDCARDS
Triple H: The Game hasn’t been seen on main roster television since TLC, where he took a beating at the hands of one Roman Reigns. It’s been an obvious build to a big showdown between these two but will it involve the championship? Vegas seems to think so, recently installing Hunter as the odds-on favorite to win on Sunday even though he hasn’t even been officially announced as a participant in the match.
NXT Superstars: In 2013 and 2014, the Rumble was used to tease the future debuts of Bo Dallas and Alexander Rusev respectively. NXT has only gotten bigger and more acknowledged since that time. Most fans who watch with any regularity would recognize Finn Balor or Sami Zayn if they were inserted into the Rumble. I’m not saying they’re going to win but they both clearly fit into future plans for the company. Maybe the NXT slogan that The Future is Now could become truer than ever.
AJ Styles: It’s difficult to pull off surprises in the age of social media and 24/7 coverage of everything, so WWE’s signing of The Phenomenal One has been just about the worst-kept secret in wrestling history. We know how WWE usually treats stars they didn’t create themselves but the times have been a-changin’ the last few years. WWE needs new faces and healthy bodies and they didn’t sign Styles for peanuts either. For once, I think it’s not a matter of if AJ Styles will be pushed, it’s how far.
Daniel Bryan: Bryan has been cleared to compete by every doctor imaginable except for the ones employed by WWE themselves. So what’s the hold up? With every passing day the questions get bigger and the conspiracy theories grow more plausible. Has WWE been intentionally holding back, waiting for the perfect opportunity to re-debut the most popular guy on the roster? Could Flight of the Valkyries hit and blow the roof off the arena during the Rumble? Will the wrongs of the past two Rumbles finally be righted?
YES! YES! YES!
I know I’m almost certainly setting myself up for disappointment but I don’t care. I’m picking Daniel Bryan to win the Royal Rumble on Sunday.
Now that my “old pay-per-view watching” on WWE Network has reached the point of being exactly ten years behind the current product, I thought it would be a good time to get into a groove of writing more reviews. After my (now mostly obsolete) take down of The Rock, my second most viewed Irish Whip post is my analysis of the 1995 King of the Ring spectacular. Obviously the people are clamoring for rundowns of wrestling stuff that happened a long time ago.
With that in mind, it’s January so it’s time for the Royal Rumble!!! Except…oh wait. They snuck in an extra show here. In 2006, we are still in the age of the true brand split so New Year’s Revolution is a Raw-only show held just a couple of weeks after an all-Smackdown event. If you’re not convinced how economically-friendly the WWE Network is, imagine the world we lived in a decade ago where Armageddon, New Year’s Revolution and the Royal Rumble all took place within 7 weeks and were roughly 50 bucks each. Not trying to be a shill; I’m just saying, pre-Network I hardly ever ordered a pay-per-view. In the 2 years of its existence, I haven’t missed one.
It’s Fair to Beat Up Flair:
The opening match is for the Intercontinental championship. Ric Flair, having survived Triple H’s attempts to end his career has moved on to defend his title against the very first Mr. Money in the Bank, Edge. In a plot development sure to be recognizable to current-day fans, the finish of the match is the babyface being a jerk and the heel being in the right. Fed up with Lita’s blatant interference, Flair drags her into the ring and slaps on the figure-four leg lock. To save his woman, Edge nails Flair in the head with the (plain black) MITB briefcase and gets himself intentionally disqualified. There’s a strong beat down afterward to keep the heat on Edge, but it’s hard to ignore heelish commentator Jonathan Coachman calling Flair out for attacking a woman. I get that Lita is an active wrestler and Flair is not exactly the standard-bearer of babyface nobility but it still feels a little icky that things like this were allowed to happen only ten years ago.
Speaking of things still being allowed to happen back then, Flair does a totally unnecessary blade job here. How does getting bonked with a briefcase bust someone open? Did one of the latches hit him just right?
Damn you, Samsonite!
The Queens of Strong Style:
So this caught me completely off guard. Trish Stratus defends the Women’s Championship against her self-proclaimed biggest fan, Mickie James and it is amazing. In the middle of the age of lingerie pillow fights and bra & panties matches, these two ladies went out there and beat the ever-living shit out of each other. I was glad when Joey Styles commented that this was the hardest-hitting Divas match they had ever seen because it confirmed that I wasn’t crazy. This was really happening. There was even a character-driven story to go along with it. Sure, the story was ‘Does Mickie love Trish or does Mickie looooove Trish?’ but it works here in that Goldustian mind games sort of way. Trish retains with a Chick Kick that sends James backwards and crumpled into a heap; either a fantastic sell job or a for-real stiff shot. Either way, man, this was the best women’s match I’ve seen out of the Brand Split era.
If you’re thinking, as I was, ‘Hmm, maybe the ladies were legitimized more than I remember,” stop thinking that. The segment immediately following this is Maria interviewing herself about how she is going to win the Bra & Panties Gauntlet match later on.
Return of the King:
After years of being a punchline, The Hurricane has ditched his superhero shtick and is now plain old Gregory Helms, generic angry heel. His first target is Jerry “The King” Lawler, who often makes fun of Helms on commentary. If Helms thought The Hurricane was embarrassing, I wonder how he felt about being booked to lose to an announcer. Since a piledriver isn’t going to happen anymore, Lawler wins with his second rope fist drop. When one is losing to an aging announcer’s secondary moves, I’d say the writing is on the wall. The most notable thing about this match is Jonathan Coachman worrying that King would go into cardiac arrest. A few years early on that prediction, Coach.
Clobbering Time:
For as long as Triple H and The Big Show have been around, you’d think they’d have crossed paths more often. Here the stars have aligned for an epic feud over…I don’t know. Big Show doesn’t like Hunter so Trips broke his hand with a sledgehammer. The rub here is that now Show has a comically over-sized cast on his hand which makes him even more of threat because in wrestling, casts are rock-hard weapons of mass destruction. If Edge’s briefcase could cause Ric Flair to lose a gallon of blood, imagine what getting hit by hardened plaster could do to someone?
So the presumed story of the match would be Triple H trying not to get punched. This is apparently so epic that WWE writers decided to make a punch into Big Show’s finisher and make every match for the next ten years all about avoiding the punch. Well, actually, Triple H rips the cast off pretty early and the whole deadly weapon thing becomes immediately pointless. Big Show “shows heart” by carrying on, but really, how big was H’s ego that he had to not only go over the biggest guy on the roster but have the biggest guy on the roster booked as the scrappy underdog against the mighty godlike cerebral assassin?
Wait. Don’t answer that.
Whoa, Momma:
A couple of years ago, comedienne Thea Vidale revealed that her time in WWE was the low point of her career and she was constantly the victim of sexual harassment in the workplace. That makes a backstage segment involving Viscera, the World’s Largest Love Machine, that much more awkward in retrospect. Vidale is playing Shelton Benjamin’s mother and when she bends over for some unspecified reason, Big Vis likes what he sees and starts turning on the charm, if that’s what you would call it. Momma is disgusted, which leads to an impromptu match so Shelton can defend her honor. The most confusing part of this segment is that Viscera’s entrance music and lighting apparently follow him around backstage. He must have been harnessing some mystical powers he obtained during his time in the Ministry of Darkness.
No offense to Ms. Vidale, but I can’t blame her for calling this her low point. Momma Benjamin was awful and her non-stop barrage of both encouragement and threats to her boy Shelton is just about the most annoying thing you can imagine. It just goes on forever and I was shocked, shocked I tell you, when I looked up the card and saw this match was only 7 minutes long. I swear I would have guessed 17. Momma aside, nobody is getting a 5 star classic out of Viscera and Benjamin, talented as he is, is not the exception. The match mercifully ends after Momma hits the big man with her purse and Shelton spin kicks him.
And Now Victoria Sums Up the Bra & Panties Gauntlet Match:
Pretty much
Backstage announcer Maria makes it halfway through because even the kayfabe dumbest person in the company has enough “wrestling ability” to rip another person’s clothes off. Mae Young shows up to strip down because “sexy old people” is a WWE comedy staple. Diva Search winner, Ashley Massaro, shows up last and wins the thing. She strips anyway because she “knows what the people want to see.” Let’s move on.
Torture Chamber:
The Elimination Chamber is always a spectacle so it’s pretty hard to screw it up. It’s not that this one is bad; it just chooses the strangest angle to run with. In the end, it wouldn’t really matter anyway, so I can forgive this as one of the more lackluster Chamber matches. The John Cena we know today is just so John Cena that it’s somewhat jarring to go back and see how different he was. In 2006, he’s somewhere in the middle of the transition between the Doctor of Thuganomics and Super Cena. He sells the Chamber itself by looking afraid and tentative to enter, which is something neither incarnation of Cena would ever do. It’s weird and for the whole match, Cena just seems slightly off. He’s not acting like the proud champion. He’s not hamming it up with over-the-top selling the way he would today. He’s just…a guy. He’s young here so maybe he’s upset that his title reign is about to end in a hotshot type manner. Is he worried that his push is over and he will be deemed a failure because of how the crowd has turned on him? Who’s to say? We know that he will be fine, but he doesn’t.
Anyway, the odd choice for the story, (but still somewhat interesting) is that the underdog midcarders, Carlito and “The Masterpiece” Chris Masters, have decided to team up and seize the day. After Kurt Angle is quickly dispatched by Shawn Michaels, everyone else is eliminated by Carlito. That’s Kane, Shawn Michaels and then Masters himself in a premature double cross. The fallout from this betrayal allows Cena to get a cheap roll-up to retain. There are no memorable big spots. There’s no fiery babyface comeback. It’s basically the most subdued death cage match possible. But then things get good…
Edge of Tomorrow:
As I mentioned in my review of 2005, nobody really knew what was going to happen with the Money in the Bank briefcase ten years ago. It was assumed that Edge would cash in at Wrestlemania because that was the most obvious thing. Why wouldn’t you want to take your shot on the biggest stage in the wrestling world? Edge cashing in Money in the Bank and “stealing” the WWE championship was the kind of mind-blowing swerve that keeps us hooked during all the other times when WWE is boring and predictable. My cousin called me up on the telephone to tell me that this happened. That’s how big it was. They had always said it could be anytime, anywhere, but we never suspected that there could be absolutely no notification. This changed the landscape of WWE forever. It’s an exciting moment that still works and is still replicated to the tune of doing it twice last year, once at Wrestlemania itself. New Year’s Revolution may have had a forgettable Chamber match, but it made up for it with an unforgettable, game-changing moment in history.
For all the talk of WWE never making new stars, in 2006, Edge became the fourth 1st time champ in a row after Cena, JBL and Eddie Guerrero.
Up Next: A big Royal Rumble performance from the littlest guy…
Michael Cole: Wrestlemania rolls on and it’s time now for the 2nd Annual Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royale!
Jerry “The King” Lawler: That’s happening right now, Michael??
Cole: It sure is, King! It’s a Wrestlemania tradition!
JBL: I’m still reeling from that last match! I am shocked that The Bellas defeated AJ Lee and Paige so quickly. Somebody call King Kong Bundy, Maggle! I think they broke his record!
Cole: Yeah, and after a loss like that, you gotta believe that AJ might be too embarrassed to ever show her face again in WWE.
King: Look at all the superstars filling up the ring! There must be fifty guys in there!
Cole: Here comes Ryback! He looks hungry!
JBL: Not a lot of people can throw Ryback over the top rope but if anyone can, it’s this guy right here: The Big Show! He’s gotta be the favorite!
King: I just don’t see how anyone can throw Big Show over the top rope! He’s just too big!
Cole: If you’ll recall, last year Cesa-
JBL: NO ONE HAS EVER THROWN BIG SHOW OVER THE TOP, MAGGLE!!! IT CAN’T BE DONE! WHAT KIND OF STUPID MORON THINKS THAT BIG SHOW IS NOT GOING TO WIN TONIGHT!?
Cole: That remains to be seen, John. Anyway, here comes Daniel Bryan. You know, guys, Daniel Bryan had his heart set on being in the Intercontinental Title ladder match earlier tonight, but Corporate Kane had other ideas as Kane would attack Bryan before the match even started. Daniel Bryan and his never say die attitude, however, went on to insist on being in this battle royale and you better believe Daniel Bryan can’t wait to get his hands on Kane!
JBL: Hellfire and brimstone, gentlemen! I certainly wouldn’t want to be Daniel Bryan right about now!
Cole: I can’t believe what I am seeing! Kane has put that evil demonic mask back on for some unexplained reason and he is going to compete in this battle royale as the Demon Kane!
King: The other superstars in that ring have to be intimidated by the Demon Kane. We’ve never seen anything like the Demon Kane before!
Everyone steps aside for the Demon Kane as he stands in the middle of the ring, about to summon fire from the ringposts. Instead, the lights go out completely….
King: What the heck?
Cole: I apologize as we seem to be having some technical difficulties…
Spotlight appears at the top of the ramp. Crowd erupts for Finn Balor, dressed in full cosplay make-up…
Cole: Oh my, wait just a minute! We forgot about the final participant in this match, guys!
JBL: Wait, what is that?
King: Is that a man?
JBL: It looks like some kind of freak!
Cole: Guys, that’s Finn Balor from NXT. He won a 4 man tournament earlier this week to earn the right to be in the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royale at Wrestlemania!
JBL: Yeah, but what is he wearing?
Cole: He’s from Ireland and he’s a bit eccentric. Anyone who has seen NXT on the WWE Network will know-
JBL: FOR HOW MUCH!!!!????
King: $9.99!
JBL: NAN NANNY NAN!!!!!
Cole: Balor will often dress up like this to intimidate his opponents and, guys, it has been very effective. He likes to play mind games.
JBL: WHAT THE HECK IS HE DOING? WHY IS HE CRAWLING!? YOU DON’T CRAWL TO THE RING! YOU WALK, MAGGLE! IS THIS GUY SOME KIND OF DUMB GUY??? HE DOESN’T EVEN WALK! OH LIKE I’M GOING TO BE INTIMIDATED BY SOME GUY CUZ HE’S CRAWLING AND HE’S DRESSED LIKE A CARTOON CHARACTER! WHAT IS HE SUPPOSED TO BE, A FRAGGLE, MAGGLE?
Cole: It’s from Lord of the Rings, guys. Ever heard of Smeagol?
King: I think he looks like Spider-man. It’s Spider-man, right?
JBL: HE’S A GOOFBALL DRESSED LIKE A DAMN FRAGGLE! THIS IS THE DUMBEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN! RON SIMMONS WOULD HAVE TAKEN ONE LOOK AT THIS GUY AND PUNCHED HIM IN THE MOUTH! YOU CAN’T COMPETE IN A MATCH DRESSED LIKE THAT! SHOW SOME DAMN RESPECT FOR THE BUSINESS! I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE THIS GUY GET THROWN OUT. HE SHOULD BE NOWHERE NEAR ANYTHING THAT HAS THE GREAT NAME OF ANDRE THE GIANT ATTACHED TO IT!
Cole: Look at all the superstars in the ring. They don’t know what to make of the eccentric Finn Balor!
JBL: DON’T KNOW WHAT TO MAKE OF HIM?? THE GUY’S A GOOF DRESSED LIKE A CARTOON LIKE SOME KIND OF NERD AT A COMIC BOOK CONVENTION!
Cole: Be that as it may, Finn Balor is making his Wrestlemania debut and he looks ready! We’re under way with the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royale at Wrestlemania!
King: OHHHHH! There goes Finn Smeagol! That didn’t take long!
Cole: The Primetime Players making quick work of the eccentric Finn Balor!
JBL: MILLIONS A DOLLAS!!!! HAHAHA!!!!
Cole: Balor obviously disappointed but he will have to head back to the dressing room.
JBL: GOOD RIDDANCE!
King: I don’t even think he knows what hit em!
Cole: Anyway, this match continues at Wrestlemania, the granddaddy of them all!!!
I have chosen my words carefully on this one. This is a list of “my favorite” matches of the year, not necessarily the “Best.” Everything is subjective. All I can do is tell you what I enjoyed and why. In 2013, the good outweighed the bad in WWE and most of that was due to the hard work put in by the next generation of superstars. I’m sure no one would agree completely with this list, but no matter what, you have to admit the future is bright as far as in-ring talent goes.
1.The Royal Rumble (Jan. 27): The Rumble is my favorite specialty match and will almost always make my list of personal favorites. No one match creates more speculation about potential winners and returnees. No one match gets to showcase as much of the talent on the roster at any given time. At an hour long, there are always going to be a number of memorable moments. This year’s Rumble gave us the surprise returns of Chris Jericho and Goldust, a nice showing from NXT upstart Bo Dallas, another silly creative spot from Kofi Kingston and a super babyface showdown between John Cena, Ryback, Randy Orton and Sheamus.
2.John Cena vs. CM Punk (Raw, Feb. 25): This was the culmination to a rivalry that had gone on for years. Cena declared this to be his year of redemption after 2012 saw him actually lose sometimes. Part of that redemption was defeating the one guy who almost always seemed to get past him: CM Punk. This was an epic showdown worthy of the Wrestlemania main event, given away for free. Both guys knew each other so well, their regular moveset would be countered at every turn. Out of desperation, Punk broke out the forbidden-in-real-life old school piledriver and Cena had to use a hurricanrana to stun Punk into walking into an AA. This was not my favorite match of the year, but it’s up there and it’s definitely the most I’ve ever tolerated John Cena.
3. CM Punk vs. The Undertaker (Wrestlemania, April 7): This one loses points for a predictable outcome; once Punk went full-on evil and was dumping ashes out of urns, there was no way he was going to end the streak and not get his comeuppance. However, that didn’t stop the match itself from stealing the show and deflating the audience for the rest of the top matches on the biggest card of the year. The old timer who saves all his energy for one great match a year paired with a guy who got himself over on pure ability and will to succeed produced a match that could not fail.
4.Dolph Ziggler vs. Alberto Del Rio (Raw, April 8): The match itself is almost irrelevant; this was all about the moment. The Rock claims he electrifies, but nothing was more electric this year than Ziggler cashing in Money in the Bank and winning the World Heavyweight Championship. In front of the best, rowdiest crowd of the year, it didn’t even matter that DZ was the heel and Del Rio the face. The arena exploded as smart fan darling Dolph Ziggler had finally gotten to the top of the mountain.
5. William Regal vs. Kassius Ohno (NXT, April 10): This was the match that got my attention and made me realize I had to make the time to seek out NXT and watch it on a regular basis. Just a classic old school grudge match where the two combatants hated each other and would use every dirty trick in the book to get one over. Plus, the use of realistic-looking wrestling holds and tie-ups is something you just don’t see very much of in the current main roster WWE product. And when was the last time you saw a guy selling mangled fingers because his opponent wouldn’t stop focusing his attack specifically on the hand? Awesome stuff. No debate; this one was my favorite match of the year.
6. The Shield vs. The Undertaker, Daniel Bryan & Kane (Raw, April 22): Okay, maybe it was just for a free trip to London, but The Undertaker sticking around for a few weeks after Wrestlemania to put over The Shield was a huge deal. The Hounds of Justice won this match and on the following Smackdown put Taker through a table- a rub they are still benefiting from today every time their list of accomplishments is mentioned. This was also the beginning of Daniel Bryan intensifying his performances and reminding the higher-ups how over he is. Those four guys really stepped it up in the middle of the year and collectively became the best thing about WWE at the time.
7. Kofi Kingston vs. Antonio Cesaro (Main Event, May 1): While Daniel Bryan and The Shield were taking off, another superstar was trying his damndest to not get buried. Antonio Cesaro may not have won back his US title in this rematch relegated to the C show, but he made sure to remind everyone how good he is even when being booked as a loser. Announcers were always praising him for his great strength but I was never all that impressed with his Neutralizer finisher. Generally, the way to win me over is to do something I’ve never seen before. This match was the first time Cesaro broke out the superplex while his opponent was standing on the apron instead of the top turnbuckle. Incredible.
8. CM Punk vs. Darren Young (Raw, June 2): This was the year’s best use of a wrestling match as part of the storytelling process. CM Punk was so distracted by his soap opera drama with Paul Heyman that Darren Young suddenly looked like a million bucks and threatened to pull off the upset. Punk had to put in a lot more effort than he anticipated to beat the lowly Primetime Player. The beginning of Heyman being totally in his head.
9. The World Heavyweight Championship Money in the Bank ladder match (July 14): As a fan of the bad guys, I had to love an all-heel match. I don’t usually dig these spot-fests where two guys take turns doing stuff in the ring while everyone else is inexplicably dead for large chunks of time, but this one had enough creativity to distract me. They also worked the idea of disappearing participants into the story of the match as it became Damien Sandow’s brilliant strategy to just hide for most of the time until he could steal the win from his best friend, Cody Rhodes.
10. Daniel Bryan vs. Antonio Cesaro (Raw, July 22): As much as internet rumors would have you believe that upper management does not like Cesaro or Bryan, there is no denying that this match helped change their mind, (if needed). These two tore the house down as part of Bryan’s gauntlet match, cementing D-Bry in the main event scene and getting Cesaro more noticed and “unburied.”
11. Paige vs. Emma (NXT, July 25): The best-kept secret in WWE is that the women of NXT are way better than most of the divas on the main roster. This was the tournament final to crown the first ever NXT Women’s champion. These two are so over and so good, it might be time to just stop adding the caveat that this was good for a Divas match. It was a good match period.
12. Christian vs. Randy Orton vs. Rob Van Dam (Smackdown, Aug. 4): This was a fun triple threat for the #1 contendership heading into Summerslam. Similar to Punk-Cena, the story was that the participants knew each other too well to rely solely on their base offense. Christian had an answer for everything Orton, his long time rival, tried. Orton had some amazing counters on RVD including a sick-looking Rolling Thunder into a powerslam. Finally, Christian won with an old school backslide, which doesn’t happen very often these days.
13. Brock Lesnar vs. CM Punk (Summerslam, Aug. 18): One of the marquee matches of the year and it lived up to the hype. Lesnar got to look like the beast he’s always billed as and Punk played the scrappy underdog role perfectly. The ending further fueled the fire in Punk’s war with Paul Heyman as Punk’s anger and a timely distraction caused his downfall.
14. Daniel Bryan vs. John Cena (Summerslam, Aug. 18): Bryan debuts the running knee finisher and Cena puts him over clean- a triumphant capper to D-Bry’s rise to main event status. Then a Triple H heel turn and a Randy Orton cash-in quickly soured what should have been the moment of the year. We all felt cheated… which is exactly how we were supposed to feel. Triple H, who has always been smart fan enemy #1, finally embraced his destiny and gave us storyline reasons to hate him.
15. Antonio Cesaro vs. Sami Zayn, 2 out of 3 falls (NXT, Aug. 22): Sure, Cesaro’s feats of strength on bigger men are impressive, but just as good is when he has a little guy he can just throw around everywhere. It’s a classic struggle between quickness and strength as Zayn has to do everything he can to strike quickly and avoid Cesaro’s power game. Another example of why everyone should be watching NXT.
16. Jack Swagger vs. Sami Zayn (NXT, Sept. 5): Cesaro’s tag team partner also came down to Orlando to get himself a piece of Zayn. The resulting match had less hype than the Cesaro battle, but for my money, this was an even better match. Swagger was not just trying to use his power game, he was getting visibly frustrated when he couldn’t put the smaller guy away. This is the only time I’ve ever seen Jack pull his straps down, as he finally realizes just how much more work it’s going to take to put away Sami than he thought.
You can’t spell AMAZING without SAMI ZAYN! …kind of.
17. Santino Marrella & Emma vs. Fandango & Summer Rae (NXT, Oct. 2): Since the dawn of time, WWE has insisted on having comedy characters and comedy matches as part of their ongoing attempt to appeal to everyone on some level. It often flops miserably for the smart crowd. So imagine my surprise when I found myself enjoying the hell out of one such match. Emma is already wildly entertaining as a wrestling weirdo, and Santino was able to match her quirk for quirk. First, they couldn’t properly coordinate their entrances. Then they just couldn’t get it down that the referee was counting their enthusiastic high fives as official tags. They repeated this so many times that the crowd had to yell NOOO! until they finally understood. I’m hard-pressed to think of a match I’ve ever laughed at more.
18. Cody Rhodes & Goldust vs. Seth Rollins & Roman Reigns of The Shield (Battleground, Oct. 6): Battleground may have been a shitty, throwaway pay-per-view with a WCW ending, but its one shining bright spot was the most emotionally impactful match of the year. What a difference it can make when you care about the performers and the scripted stakes of the match. It’s an added bonus that these are four of the best talents on the roster. Cody Rhodes is finally getting his due, Goldust looks as good as he’s ever been and I don’t need to repeat how great The Shield is. Plus, the American Dream Dusty Rhodes even got involved, taking the belt to Dean Ambrose. The tears of joy at the top of the ramp seemed real (and probably were) as the babyface roster and the normally unseen road agents like Arn Andersen and Fit Finlay came out to celebrate the triumph of the Rhodes Boys.
19. The traditional Survivor Series elimination match (Survivor Series, Nov. 24): The weakest of the Big Four long ago abandoned its premise but the elimination style matches are something I still find intriguing. The faces built a big lead over Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns until the spear was unleashed. Roman Reigns took over the match in one of the biggest single match pushes of the year, transforming from the potential afterthought of the team to the beast enforcer he was always talked up as.
20. The Wyatt Family vs. Daniel Bryan, 3 on 1 handicap match (TLC, Dec. 15): While The Shield stole shows for most of the year, the Wyatts gradually worked their way up from NXT to become major players on the main roster. Erick Rowan and Luke Harper do most of the in-ring work for the Wyatt clan, but at TLC, Bray finally tagged in and proved why he is the head of the snake. His character work was brilliant throughout and he even turned his corner upside down hang into a visually bizarre crab walk that has to be seen to be believed. The crowd chanted “that was creepy” and they weren’t wrong.
Another year is almost in the history books for WWE so how did every superstar fare in 2013? Whose stock is up? Whose is down? Did we finally find the stars of tomorrow? How do some of these people even earn their paychecks? All of this and more will be addressed in the 1st Annual Irish Whip WWE Year-End Power Rankings!
100. Ezekiel Jackson: I have been restored to full time WWE fandom for 18 months and I have never seen this man. Yet, there he is, always included on wwe.com’s official roster.
99. Evan Bourne: Seemingly always an injury or a Wellness Policy violation away from getting fired, Bourne presumably spent the entire year on the shelf.
98. The Godfather: Got a big nostalgia pop at the Royal Rumble but was a joke entrant and was eliminated immediately.
97. Eve Torres: Entered the calendar year as the Divas champion but lost it a week in and quit the biz. Good luck in your future endeavors!
Any excuse to run a picture of Eve
96. JTG: Another guy who is inexplicably still on the roster, yet never seen. I think he might have been a lumberjack a couple of times.
95. Dusty Rhodes: Had a fun classic Dusty promo during the Rhodes war with the McMahons and even got to take the belt to Dean Ambrose in one of the best moments of the year.
94. Hornswoggle: Mostly just a cheerleader for the Great Khali these days, the little guy does still take a bump sometimes. I heard he’s starring in a Leprechaun reboot produced by WWE, which is awesome.
93.Matt Stryker: Thought he was a better commentator than interviewer but they never let him do it. Was sorry to see him go at the time, but he really didn’t add much and Renee Young was a definite upgrade.
92.Ted DiBiase Jr.: Didn’t make it onto TV much in 2013, and then quit the biz to spend more time with his family. He’s rich anyway, I’m sure. He comes from money.
91. Curt Hawkins: Had a few losses here and there on Main Event and NXT but spent most of the year as one of many underutilized talents.
90. Yoshi Tatsu: Another waste of space on the roster. I’d call him a jobber, but you have to wrestle in order to lose.
89. Camacho: It’s really kind of unbelievable how many guys get paid by WWE to travel and hang out in the locker room.
88. David Otunga: Had a role in WWE Films’ modest hit, The Call. Not seen on TV much, which is a shame because he has a great physique and the douchey lawyer is a great character.
87.Rosa Mendes: Spent most of the year at home having been sent there to take care of personal problems. Has recently been seen more as part of the ‘Divas not on Total Divas’ “faction.” Looks terrible as a blonde.
86. Teddy Long: Was the interim GM of Smackdown while Booker T was recovering from surgery- a surgery that thankfully stifled the weird and space-wasting verbal feud that had been developing between the two.
85.Josh Mathews: Demoted from Smackdown play-by-play to the little-seen Main Event. With Stryker gone and Renee Young a real life broadcast journalist, he’s become the go-to interviewer for heels to beat up.
84. Jojo: Brought in to be one of the newbie characters on the Total Divas reality show, but from the recaps I read, she’s barely on it. Saw her first action at Survivor Series and was not noticably bad.
83. Aksana: A female jobber who gets on TV more than she should since there aren’t a lot of Divas. Scout your three opponents and learn to counter their moves, Aksana!
82.Layla: Didn’t wrestle much in 2013, instead was a manager of sorts for the other more high profile stars. Turned on Kaityln to join AJ but that angle was dropped almost immediately.
81. Alicia Fox: She shows more talent and personality when she cameos on NXT than she does on the main roster shows.
80.William Regal: Loses squash matches whenever he does get on TV, but he is pure gold as the color man on NXT. Seriously, watch NXT. It’s WWE’s best show.
79.Hunico: Yet another guy who is paid to do nothing, but at the time of this writing it sounds like he is inheriting the Sin Cara character, so I have to count his victory on the Dec. 2 Raw to his credit.
78.Alex Riley: Has become the back-up color anaylst on NXT, Main Event and Smackdown. He’s especially bad on NXT where I find myself chanting WE WANT REGAL at the TV.
This picture reminds him of when he used to team with The Miz!
77. Eva Marie: The Total Divas newbie who is being pushed as the catty go-getter. The distorted reality between the Divas show and what happens on Raw makes it really confusing to know if we’re supposed to like her or not. Either way, just know that she is a horrible performer, so that pretty much decides it.
76. El Torito: The best part of the Los Matadores team is a crazy bouncing midget in a bull costume. Makes me wish Vince was back on commentary so we could hear his douchey laugh about how great this little guy is.
75. Bo Dallas: A great showing in the Royal Rumble and a clean victory over Wade Barrett made it look like Dallas was being called up as a bland babyface. Instead, he went back to NXT, became its champion and is currently killing it as a delusional heel who thinks he’s a face.
74. Tyson Kidd: Spent most of the year rehabbing a career-threatening injury. Returned with a Total Divas-inspired nod to his real life marriage to Natalya that translated into a push that lasted less than a week.
73.Tamina Snuka: WWE obviously likes her to keep trying her in various roles, but she is awful in the ring. Her new role as AJ Lee’s enforcer has been her best use so far.
72. Jerry “The King” Lawler: Glad you didn’t die on live TV last year, now please retire because you do nothing but detract from the on-screen product.
71. Xavier Woods: Too early to tell if he will make an impact on the main roster but the fact that they inserted him right into a feud with Brodus Clay is a good sign that they want to do something with both guys. Though I can name at least 10 other men or women I would have called up from NXT before him.
70. Sin Cara: Broken necks, torn quads, dangling limbs. These are the things the great ones power through to finish matches. Sin Cara had a match stopped because he dislocated his finger. Hit the road, Jack.
69. Booker T: Lost his job as GM of Smackdown due to injury but made the WWE Hall of Fame so it was a good year overall. I’d like to see him back at the announce table.
68. Brad Maddox: Went from “unemployed” and crashing shows to Assistant GM of Raw to Actual GM of Raw. That’s a pretty good year. He was also my second favorite NXT color man, though he hasn’t shown up in a while.
67. Justin Gabriel: I jokingly call this guy The Face of Main Event. Once WWE lost its interest in the show, Gabriel became a mainstay.
66. Zack Ryder: Nothing sadder than that time he wore trunks with a “Push Me” button on them. A cautionary tale for other performers to not think outside the box or try to get over without the help of the machine.
65. Summer Rae: The first of NXT’s treasure trove of viable female wrestlers to get the call-up. Somewhat wasted as Fandango’s dance partner, thankfully she’s starting to have matches and be a character.
64. Vickie Guerrero: Sad to see Eddie’s widow forced to take part in such humilation as her firing on Raw, ie, the worst segment of the year. She has bounced back as the GM of Smackdown and is always good for some heel heat.
63. Renee Young: As a real sportscaster she lends credibility to the product as an interviewer and an NXT analyst. She is particularly good at reacting to the things that are going on around her, which believe it or not, immensely improves the product.
Seceretly the best announcing pair in WWE.
62. Vince McMahon: As an on-screen character he has been leaving a lot to be desired as of late and has all but disappeared since Hunter & Stephanie became “The Authority.” Stephanie has even been getting billed as the owner of WWE. Ouch.
61. Jinder Mahal: For my money, the least charismatic of the three members of 3MB. I don’t want to be insensitive to what is probably a cultural thing, but if you’re hired to portray a wrestling rock star, you should take off your turban.
60. Ricardo Rodriguez: He was the best part of the Alberto Del Rio rich asshole gimmick, but all good things must come to an end and Ricardo pretty much ended it himself with a Wellness Policy violation. He came back to be Rob Van Dam’s personal ring announcer which was really awkward and made little sense.
59. Cameron: Presumably the less talented Funkadactyl. I think. I don’t watch Total Divas and I haven’t bothered to distinguish the ladies I mostly know as Brodus Clay’s dancing valets.
58. Naomi: This is the more athletic one who uses a butt bop as her finisher, right?
57. Michael Cole: For better or worse, he is the voice of WWE. Teach me how to download an app, Michael! Read Bray Wyatt quotes and misunderstand them! Bash bad segments as they’re happening instead of doing your job and trying to save them. It’s all television gold!
56. JBL: Once a breath of fresh air in the announce booth, JBL has devolved into a guy who is not really paying attention but still likes to yell a lot just to contradict his partners. Sadly, he’s the best one on Raw.
55. The Great Khali: The world’s largest jobber. It’s cringe-worthy whenever it’s declared that he is a former world champion. He still wins sometimes, which I guess is impressive considering he can’t bend his legs.
54. Drew McIntyre: An underrated talent, especially at selling. Becoming a part of 3MB has made him infinitely more interesting than his former bland ‘Chosen One’ persona.
53. Heath Slater: The leader of 3MB and the premeire jobber to the stars. Hey, it’s a living!
52. Santino Marella: Even I can admit I laugh at his in-ring antics sometimes. He’s a solid performer who sadly might be trapped in the kid-friendly wacky Italian guy gimmick forever.
51. R-Truth: Came back from an early year injury magically cured of his infatuation with an imaginary little boy. RIP, Little Jimmy. Truth is always good for getting the crowd pumped up and losing midcard title matches.
50. Los Matadores- Fernando y Diego: I’m not going to distinguish them from one another since all the announcers even say on the matter is they “believe Fernando is taller.” The repackaged Primo and Epico are undefeated in tag team action as of this writing. Their sidekick, El Torito, often upstages them, however.
49. Rey Mysterio: Missed most of the year due to injury. When he’s active, he’s way over but how much longer will it last?
48. Nikki Bella: One of the focal points of Total Divas but I don’t think they show her in a good light. Out for a while with an injury and generally known as the “one that got the implants.”
47. Brodus Clay: Even forming a monster tag team with Tensai called Tons of Funk couldn’t save the Funkasaurus from a year of irrelevance. Two gigantic guys joining forces should not result in them both still being jobbers. It doesn’t make a lot of sense. Hopefully for him, his teased heel turn will result in more screen time and victories.
46. Titus O’Neill: Got a bit of a push by proxy when his tag team partner, Darren Young, became the first openly gay wrestler, but even that was not sustained for very long. The Primetime Players still lose a lot and if Titus’ new gimmick is that he might throw up all the time, well, that’s not exactly a rocketship to main event status.
45. Natalya: Spent the first half of the year as arm candy for The Great Khali but that was dropped when Total Divas revealed she was married to Tyson Kidd. She’s currently being pushed as the next top contender for the Divas title but she’s not as over as WWE seems to think and she botches a lot both in the ring and on the mic.
44. Tensai: This guy can really go when given the chance, which, sadly isn’t often. I was happy when he was repackaged with Brodus as Sweet T rather than being dismissed, but that team went nowhere and has been teasing a break-up.
43. Darren Young: It was a year of unexplained face turns and none were bigger or more unexplained than Darren Young suddenly coming out to huge pops. We all knew why and it was great to see the normally awful wrestling crowds embrace courage and progress. Personal life aside, he also had a great match with CM Punk on Raw and might break out as a singles star eventually.
42. Antonio Cesaro: This man is so good at his job that the internet weeps every time he loses. He had a long reign as the US champion before “We the People” infringed on his anti-American gimmick. Luckily, he recovered when they simply merged him into Zeb Colter’s camp. He’s ridiculously strong, he’s having a really good time out there despite the fact that he’s supposed to be a heel and the Big Swing gets big pops. He might just will his way to superstardom a la Daniel Bryan.
Swing him into the crowd, Antonio!
41. Jimmy & Jey Uso: I can’t tell them apart even when the announcers try to explain how. They floated through the first half of the year but have really stepped up their game lately, participating in some really strong matches with The Shield and the Rhodes brothers.
40. Christian: Came back from a long injury hiatus as a crafty veteran stealing wins with backslides and small packages. Then he got a concussion and was never seen again other than covering it up with an off-screen Shield beat-down. He might be done for good this time.
39. Jack Swagger: Talk about not being able to handle the spotlight. Immediately after being repackaged from jobber to World title contender, he was pulled over after a Smackdown taping for reckless driving and possession of marijuana. WWE was really behind the We the People angle and was trying to get mainstream attention during Wrestlemania season. Swagger gave them the wrong kind of attention. He’s recovered somewhat to have a good run as a tag team with Cesaro but he could have been a champion.
One last time? Okay! WEED THE PEOPLE!
38. Kofi Kingston: Spent the year wildly alternating between relevance and jobbing. He seems popular enough but he can never quite reach that next level the way others have. His big accomplishment in 2013 was being the transitional US champion between Cesaro and Dean Ambrose.
37. Stephanie McMahon: Didn’t show up much until the horrible power trip feud between Vince and Triple H over the summer. With the emergence of “The Authority” in the fall, she has become a solid performer as the smarmy boss lady who spouts false cheer but ultimately doesn’t really care about you other than what you can do for her.
36. Brie Bella: Has become noticably better in the ring than her twin sister. (The difference between dating Daniel Bryan and dating John Cena perhaps!) Also presented on Total Divas as the more level-headed of the two. I even think the smaller chest makes her more adorable standing next to those two gigantic implants. All around, she’s just the better Bella.
35. The Undertaker: Got in shape just in time to save his Wrestlemania streak and have a great match with CM Punk. Even stuck around for a couple of weeks to put over The Shield. The Dead Man showing up always makes things more special.
34. The Miz: When R-Truth is unavailable to job to midcard heel champions, call The Miz. When you need a color man for your third tier shows, call The Miz. When you need a talkshow segment to kill the crowd, call The Miz!
33. Kaitlyn: Had a solid reign as the Divas champion and one of the more well-booked feuds of the year with AJ Lee. Has since largely disappeared and been lumped into the non-Total Divas camp by default. Right after she got her own T-shirt, too. Shame.
32. Wade “Bad News” Barrett: Spent the first half of the year as the Intercontinental champion, damaging the title almost irreparably since he was booked as a hopeless jobber. Then he got stuck in England over a work visa snafu. He has recently been “repackaged” as Bad News Barrett, despite looking and sounding exactly the same.
31. Zeb Colter: Uncle Zeb reemerged on the scene as a mouthpiece for Jack Swagger and later Antonio Cesaro. His hate speeches have been dialed down to a comedy act lately, but he’s great on the mic no matter what the tone of the segment is. Del Rio-Swagger turned out to be a go-nowhere feud for a lot of reasons, but Zeb almost single-handedly saved it.
30. Erick Rowan: Noticably the least talented member of the Wyatt Family. This is well covered for by having him team often with the vastly superior Luke Harper and by having him wear a creepy sheep mask which makes him almost as equally interesting as the interesting people he’s surrounded by.
29. Kane: Had one of the longer tag team title reigns as a dysfunctional team with Daniel Bryan. Was the first victim of the Wyatt Family’s patented kidnappings but he inexplicably returned from that to be a non-wrestling corporate suit for Triple H. They might get to a larger angle if the Wyatts are secretly working for The Authority but as of this writing, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.
28. Fandango: Debuted with a Wrestlemania win over Chris Jericho and then got accidentally over when the snarky post-WM crowd embraced his catchy theme music and “doing the Fandango” briefly went viral. An untimely concussion kept him from probably winning the IC title, and from there, things kind of fizzled. He still wins more than he loses but he has been mostly reduced to irrelevance.
27. Luke Harper: Easily the best wrestler in the Wyatt Family, Harper is a big man who can move, which is always a good thing. He speaks intelligently sometimes which makes him even creepier as a willing participant in Bray Wyatt’s mind control. I like when he starts shouting YEAH YEAH YEAH in the ring like he’s having a violence orgasm.
Monsters are real
26. Curtis Axel: Michael McGillicutty is dead! Long live Curtis Axel! Mr. Perfect’s son was repackaged as a Paul Heyman guy and had a long, harmless reign as IC champion. Sadly, he did not inherit his father’s charisma and if he’s been embraced by the smart fans, it’s mostly out of hipster irony. He’s currently broken off from Heyman and is floundering on television. But that’s a step up from floundering off television, which is where he was this time last year.
25. Damien Sandow: Won the World Title Money in the Bank Ladder Match and turned that into a high profile feud with his former partner, Cody Rhodes. By weird WWE logic, that meant he should start losing more than ever. He has even dropped the Intellectual Savior gimmick and is now just a generic angry midcard heel. In the ultimate indignity, he became the first spontaneous MITB cash-in to lose.
24. Goldust: A strong nostalgia pop at the Rumble and an emotional match with Randy Orton to try and get his brother’s job back could have been enough for the veteran of the Attitude Era. Instead, Goldy turned those stints into a permanent roster spot and a tag team title run with Cody. The announcers often say he looks better than he ever has and they’re not wrong.
23. Chris Jericho: He is a man with many interests but to his credit, when he does make a run in WWE, he commits full time. He’s always going to put out a good match and unlike most guys his age, he is willing to put the next generation over.
22. Sheamus: A somewhat down year for the Irishman as he started to languish in the upper midcard. He was a bit overexposed and at risk of getting stale by having a match on pretty much every show. He’s been injured since July and I still don’t really miss him. Hopefully he will return with a fresh take on the character. WWE needs more top level heels, for example.
21. Cody Rhodes: After spending half the year with Sandow as the default tag title contenders to Team Hell No, Rhodes really broke out over the summer. He had two well-booked feuds with the aforementioned Sandow and then with “The Authority.” He and his brother can now be seen stealing the show every time they go out.
Brothers gotta hug
20. Ryback: It only took a year to ruin the next big thing. Ryback was incredibly over as a monster face but he was never going to win the title from Punk. His heel turn was interesting, but he was never going to win the title from Cena. One pay-per-view loss after another, and some go-nowhere programs as a backstage bully and a foot soldier in Paul Heyman’s army have left Ryback absolutely buried. If he’s going to have the rumored match with Goldberg, Creative has a lot of work to do to build this guy back up. Hopefully, it’s not too late.
19. Big E. Langston: Just too charismatic to remain a silent thug heel, Langston might succeed where the ball was dropped with Ryback. His turn was well done and with the 2 major championships finally being absorbed into one, his IC title win might become even more significant as he will be one of only three champions instead of four.
18. Bray Wyatt: The freshest character to come along in a while, the Wyatt clan could not be called up from NXT fast enough for my liking. He can pull off a creepy promo like nobody else and their vignettes were some of the best stuff the production team has ever put out. Their interacting so quickly with the likes of CM Punk and Daniel Bryan is an indicator that WWE knows it has gold here.
17. Dolph Ziggler: It looked like this might finally be the year for the Show-Stealer. His MITB cash-in and World Title win was one of the more electric moments of the year. An unfortunate concussion had him reigning while on the shelf, only to drop the strap in his first match back. And just like that, it was over. He’s a face instead of a heel now but not much else has changed as he went immediately back to languishing in midcard hell.
16. The Big Show: Another year of wild fluctuations in allegiances and character for the World’s Largest Athlete. Big Show started the year as a rich guy who didn’t care about anyone but himself. By the fall, he was a crybaby who couldn’t save his friends from The Authority because he was broke and needed his job. Regardless, Show is effective at whatever he’s doing, even if there’s not a lot of continuity behind it.
15.Mark Henry: The World’s Strongest Man returned for the Elimination Chamber in February and was way over just by playing a simple monster heel who does whatever he wants. He parlayed that into a brief main event feud with John Cena where he teased retirement in the fake-out of the year that I was legit fooled by. Recently back from an injury, he is a babyface now, which kind of negates the “THAT’S WHAT I DO!” persona that got him over in the first place.
14. Alberto Del Rio: Spent most of the calendar year as the World Heavyweight Champion both as a face and a heel, but he never really felt important. Once John Cena came along, he was quickly steamrolled out of the title picture. He’s a good worker and a good performer, but there’s something intangible that’s missing. He just doesn’t have the IT factor.
13. Brock Lesnar: Like a Paul Heyman-summoned dark angel, he appears, he kicks ass, he leaves. A Lesnar match is always a big deal but they’re so few and far between that they lose a bit of their luster in the long term. WWE should pay him whatever he wants to make more of an impact on the day to day proceedings.
12. Rob Van Dam: I’m not sure WWE knew what they were getting when they resigned Mr. Monday Night to a part time deal. What they got was lightning in a bottle. RVD looked great, he was insanely over and then he left, written out of the show as being “burned out.” Lame. We know he will be back and I would be shocked if his music doesn’t cue up during the Royal Rumble.
11. Triple H: Changing from the too cool for school babyface a-hole to the authority figure who abuses his power was the right call for The Game. Embrace the hate! Perhaps getting booed out of Wrestlemania finally taught him that smart fans really, really dislike him. Thus, giving us storyline reasons to want to see him get punched is more profitable than inserting himself into boring main event matches.
10. Seth Rollins: Believe in the Shield! These three guys together are money. They are all fantastic performers and all play their roles well. Rollins has been the least accomplished so far, but he has stolen Ziggler’s spot as the best seller in the business. Not a joke- he might die in the ring if he doesn’t tone it down. I also enjoy his constant yelling during matches. He sounds like a chain-smoking grandma at bingo.
9. Roman Reigns: The powerhouse of The Shield and the easy winner of the Most Improved Award. He actually has made the spear look like a viable finisher again after being badly damaged by Edge’s lingerie football tackles. You can tell by his beastly Survivor Series push that this is the guy they really love the most.
8. Dean Ambrose: What a clown! This guy redefines even the most basic of spots with his facial expressions and mannerisms. I particularly enjoy how he Irish whips somebody than runs after them and hits them on the ropes because WHY WOULD YOU WAIT FOR THEM TO BOUNCE AND COME RUNNING BACK? He’s the clear leader of The Shield and has been a long-reigning US champion.
Sierra! Hotel! India! Echo! Lima! Delta!
7. AJ Lee: For the first time in my wrestling life, a Diva is one of my favorite performers. She may be small but she is technically sound and crafty so it works for a heel. She lives and breathes for wrestling and it shows in her performances. She is skipping laps around the other ladies.
6. The Rock: I wrote extensively about why I disliked The Rock’s presumed final run with the company. (It’s the runaway winner of ‘post that gets the most clicks’.) Still, in theory he was a high profile figure who helped make the Wrestlemania season a bit more special. Even if it wasn’t as special as when he did it the previous year.
5. Randy Orton: Currently getting a run as “the face of WWE” even though his title reign has taken a back seat to Authority shenanigans. It can’t be ignored that he was floundering and seemed very disinterested in his job until being booked to win Money in the Bank. It also can’t be ignored that once he regained interest, he stepped up his game and put forth some of the best matches on the show.
4. Paul Heyman: Hands down the best talker in the business today. When he is on Raw, it is a better show. Be it bit players like Axel or big time guys like CM Punk and Lesnar, there is no one who doesn’t benefit from having Heyman as their advocate.
3. CM Punk: Spent the first half of the year as a cranky, injury-riddled mess who still powered through and had a solid run as a classic evil bastard heel. A vacation did him well and when he returned he was a happy babyface who looked like he was having fun again, particularly during his lengthy feud with Paul Heyman. Like Cena, Punk has reached the lofty status of transcending wins, losses and allegiances. He will always be over, as indicated by his getting a new T-shirt for sale every couple of months.
2. Daniel Bryan: Yes! Yes! Yes! If you don’t get excited and fall in love with wrestling while watching a Daniel Bryan match, then it’s just never going to happen for you. Bryan carried the company on his back during the post-Wrestlemania hangover and forced everyone around him to step up their game. Bryan is the rare talent who is beloved by all, young and old, smart or mark. Though his first main event program was booked rather poorly, he is still arguably the most popular guy on the roster. If he doesn’t stay on the top shelf and get a real title run eventually, it will be through no fault of his own.
1. John Cena: This was supposed to be the year of his storyline redemption and, by God, did they ever double down on Cena as a Superman among mortals. He won the Royal Rumble, he beat The Rock, and he held both major titles. Cena never loses. Off-hand, I can only think of three times he did not come out victorious in 2013. A quickly shrugged-off 6 man loss to The Shield, the first fall of his three part battle with Ryback and Summerslam when he put Bryan over clean. The major titles are finally going to be consolidated at TLC and it’s hard to imagine Cena not emerging as the unified, undisputed champion of everything. Even if he somehow doesn’t, it would be naive to think he won’t eventually RISE ABOVE.
The Money in the Bank ladder match is such a fun show-stealer that a few years ago, WWE moved it off Wrestlemania and built a whole-pay-per-view around it. I don’t care for the way the briefcase has become sort of the second-coming of “defending the hardcore championship 24 hours a day.” I honestly believe it was envisioned originally as a way to generate an easy PPV main event when ideas were running low. That scenario was very successful early on when Rob Van Dam challenged John Cena at the ECW tribute PPV, but other than Cena last year giving a week’s notice, every other cash-in has been a “strike any time the champion is vulnerable” situation that is starting to feel a bit played out. My personal opinion of it aside, the match to earn the briefcases are indeed worthy of their own show and Sunday’s PPV is intriguing enough that I just made my first non-Royal Rumble order since I can’t even remember when. I am always sucked in by matches where the outcome is not obvious and I can honestly say, I have no idea what is going to happen Sunday night.
Pre-Show: Tag Team Championship: Seth Rollins & Roman Reigns of The Shield defend against The Uso Twins.
My 4 year-old niece now calls wrestling “butt to the face wrestling” because one time she walked in and saw the Usos running into their opponents ass-first. So now I kind of like them because it was hilarious having to explain what she was telling her father about later.
Titles often change hands on the pre-show to get people into the buying spirit by witnessing how anything can happen. Last year, Antonio Cesaro captured the US title on the Summerslam pre-show and this year, The Miz knocked off Wade Barrett before Wrestlemania. I don’t think that happens here. The Usos have been getting a push as an up-and-coming tag team, but The Shield have been getting a push as unstoppable beasts. This match seems more like ‘we don’t have any time to waste on the main stage to bother with an Usos match’. Not sure these guys have been on pay TV since the ’12 Rumble.
Intercontinental Championship: Curtis Axel (with Paul Heyman) defends against The Miz.
Under the guidance of Paul Heyman, the former Michael McGillicutty has emerged as a player on the main roster, winning the IC title at last month’s Payback show. The Miz, despite often claiming he wants to get back to main event status, is still the de facto challenger for any mid-card belt held by a heel. Since he wasn’t the one pinned in the triple threat and Wade Barrett has been tossed onto the de-push garbage pile, Miz now gets a chance to become a three time IC champ. I don’t think that happens here. Basically, Axel’s status has a green arrow pointing up next to his name and Miz has a No Change or even a downward red arrow next to his. Axel has been stealing victories like a weasel while under Heyman’s tutelage and I’m sure that won’t change here.
Ryback vs. Chris Jericho
Oh, the mishandling of Ryback in the last year. He began as an unstoppable, no-selling babyface who looked like the next big thing. He was so popular and moving so much merchandise, WWE turned to him to enter the WWE Championship feud when Cena was injured. What should have been the beginning of the beginning was actually the beginning of the end. He of course had to lose that feud because Punk was entering a program with The Rock. What’s more puzzling is why Ryback lost his wars with The Shield and Mark Henry. To make matters worse, he was turned heel to be new champion John Cena’s first opponent. No way he’s winning that. The latest incarnation of Ryback is a cowardly heel who calls off matches because his leg hurts. Unbelievable. It has officially been one whole calendar year since Ryback has won on pay-per-view.
Having said all that…I think he wins here. Jericho loses to everyone and he’s supposedly about to go back on tour with Fozzy so there’s no point or need for him to win here. Unless they’re really seriously trying to bury the big man for good.
World Heavyweight Championship: Alberto Del Rio defends against Dolph Ziggler.
One of my first posts to this blog was calling for everyone to stay patient with Ziggler and keep cheering him until they turn him face. Well, it worked and I’m a genius! The rare double switch was pulled at Payback where Ziggler became the sympathetic figure getting his poor concussed head kicked in while Del Rio became the asshole for doing whatever it took to win. Very well done. The only problem is that Big E. Langston and AJ Lee, Dolph’s partners in crime, are still heels so WWE has awkwardly kept their appearances together to a mimimum. They will eventually have to turn on him but I still think he wins the strap back here. The World Championship MITB ladder match is comprised of all heels and I can’t see any of the potential winners entering a program with the “evil” Del Rio.
Divas Championship: AJ Lee defends against Kaitlyn
This went from interesting to horrible pretty quickly. Fat jokes and dressing up like each other are the staples of WWE “comedy” and they recently went back to that well in a feud that had previously been fueled by believable actions, history and hatred. Whatever. AJ Lee is the only Diva over enough to have her own T-shirt, so I don’t see her dropping the belt right back to the person she just beat for it.
World Heavyweight Championship Money in the Bank ladder match: Dean Ambrose of The Shield vs. Fandango vs. Jack Swagger vs. Antonio Cesaro vs. Damien Sandow vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Wade Barrett
This is a fantastic match because anyone of the 7 participants winning is entirely plausible. Yes, even Wade Barrett who might be set for a re-push after an embarrassing run as IC champ. I give the worst odds to Jack Swagger, who was just found guilty for his indiscretions earlier this year. Rhodes Scholars have been the only ones working an angle here, insisting that they will remain friends no matter what. So obviously they will be breaking up. I give the best odds to Dean Ambrose and Fandango, who are so over, they are bordering on tweeners. I’m going with Ambrose ultimately since he always enters through the crowd anyway and it might be interesting to be wondering if he’s going to cash in every time The Shield does a run-in.
WWE Championship Money in the Bank “All-Stars” ladder match: CM Punk vs. Daniel Bryan vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Christian vs. Randy Orton vs. Sheamus
I left Kane out of the match as he was demolished by The Wyatt family on Monday and the highly-worked wwe.com is reporting him as “doubtful.” If he does try to come back, I’m sure the Wyatts will have something to say about it. Daniel Bryan has been positioned as the odds-on favorite thanks to his recent winning streak, but if he’s headed into a program with Cena anyway (as has been widely reported), I don’t see why he would need the briefcase in his hand. CM Punk also doesn’t need a briefcase to get a title shot, not to mention he is all set for Summerslam with Brock Lesnar on tap. The case would only distract from that dream feud. Sheamus and Randy Orton are both afterthoughts; I think the most likely winners are the returnees: Christian and Rob Van Dam.
Christian has called for “one more match” before he retires, which could be an easy heel turn if his “one more match” ends up being a cheap cash-in. There’s also the rumors that they were slow to bring him back because they didn’t have anything for him and yet, since he’s been back, he has basically done nothing. So maybe the plans for him are set in motion on Sunday. Finally, he mentioned how he’s not the biggest or baddest and he has been losing to the other participants, so Christian winning could be a “shocking upset.”
Rob Van Dam is back in WWE for the forseeable future and while I don’t follow TNA, I’ve read his stint there was less than successful. In his mid-forties now, I can’t see him doing much of his trademark high-risk assaults. But what do I know? WWE must know something if they’re willing to stick him right into this high profile spot. His winning is an instant storyline about a triumphant return. I don’t know what the plan would be if he doesn’t go over here.
WWE Championship: John Cena defends against Mark Henry
Mark Henry laid his boots at the top of the ramp and then gave an amazing and heartfelt retirement speech. Shockingly, it wasn’t real. And I don’t mean shocking like as a twist in the story. I mean it literally shocked everyone. I have never been more fooled in my wrestling-watching life. It was all laid out perfectly. Saying he was “going home” after he lost to Sheamus at Extreme Rules. Dirt sheet rumors that management was upset with him and it wasn’t in the plans for him to take time off. Deciding if he needed surgery or not. Using Twitter, where the lines between kayfabe and reality are especially blurred, to hint at hanging it up. Breaking character. Crying real tears. This would have been a segment of the year candidate even if it had been sincere. Attacking John Cena at the end instead solidified it as pretty much the best thing ever. Henry’s performance was so convincing and my marking out so severe that I didn’t even hear him yell “I gotta lot left in the tank!” the first time. I thought he was just retiring in character and going out with a slam. I purchased this show because I want to see my favorite guy be rewarded for his 17 years of service. Rewarded for creating the best segment ever. Rewarded for fooling me in a cynical business where I am jaded toward the product and not easily fooled. I want to witness the coronation of Mark Henry as WWE Champion.
I don’t think that happens here.
Cena is flinching! Cena is scared! Cena is getting outsmarted and beaten up at every turn! So there’s no way he doesn’t OVERCOME! NEVER GIVE UP! HUSTLE LOYALTY RESPECT! THE CHAMP IS HERE!
I root for the heels so I’m used to a lifetime of disappointment. But man, this one is gonna hurt.
Professional wrestling’s biggest event has come and gone. Sadly, it was underwhelming and predictable for the most part and nowhere near as awesome as the Raw that followed it the next night. By now you know the x’s and o’s of who won and who lost. But now let’s examine who REALLY won and lost in the grand scheme of things.
LOSER: The internet.
I was at my cousin’s house for the show and imagine our surprise when we ordered the pay-per-view successfully but didn’t get the pre-show. Yes, we had unlocked some hype packages, but this was clearly not the “WE ARE LIVE AT WRESTLEMANIA!!!!” pre-show. That was only available on the internet. We didn’t have the internet on my cousin’s television. So you’re telling me if we want to watch the Intercontinental title match, we have to go to the basement, turn on the computer and watch it? Lame. (But we did it. Thankfully, it was barely 3 minutes).
But that is nothing compared to the debacle that online feed orderers had to suffer through. The live stream was either down for the first match or down for the entire broadcast. WWE had to issue refunds to anyone who had tried to go the online route to see the show. Couple that with Ring of Honor losing their feed during a main event title change on Friday night and suddenly the future does not look very bright for online streaming.
“You win this round, television! But you haven’t heard the last of me!” -the internet.
WINNERS: The Shield:
The Shield won again to remain undefeated. But it’s not just that they won, it’s that they won strong. I know Wrestlemania is booked tight and has a lot of timing issues, but this being a relatively quick match made it seem like this was the least amount of resistance The Shield had ever faced. They just keep building momentum and mowing down any super team that tries to stop them. Up next: The Undertaker. If you’re over enough to make the Dead Man stick around for more than his one match a year, you are doing something right.
WINNER: Mark Henry
Ryback got his ass kicked! Ryback got his wig split! YEAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Earlier in the day, Sean and I were having a tough time coming up with our favorite Wrestlemania moments. Not that we have bad memories, it’s just that we root for the bad guys and bad guys generally don’t win at the big show. So I’m gonna put this one down as my Wrestlemania moment! Mark Henry won when I didn’t expect him to. I went 8 for 9 predicting the outcomes and this was the one I got wrong. (why didn’t I go to Vegas?) I was very, very happy to be wrong.
WINNER: Daniel Bryan
Last year, D-Bry lost the World Title in 18 seconds, sparking an outrage from the smark fans that sent shockwaves through the WWE Universe. The rest of the show and Raw the next night were dominated by YES chants and suddenly, a superstar was born. Daniel Bryan was now the most over guy on the roster. So Team Hell No got the win at this year’s Mania and the crowd ate it up. Even though Bryan has mostly traded YES! for NO! these days, he just had to do it along with 80,000 other people. It was a year in the making but Bryan got his Wrestlemania moment and it was pretty heartwarming to witness.
LOSER: The flow of the broadcast
WWE runs like a well-oiled machine 99% of the time. Why does that 1% where things are just way off have to be at their biggest event of the year? You would think that a program of this magnitude would be planned down to the second. Yet from the get go, the four hour spectacle somehow became a race against time. There was no national anthem. They played hype packages for Rock-Cena all night, which was confusing for one thing, since we had already ordered the freaking show, and for another thing, it left them with nothing to show before the main event actually started.
It is inexcusable to be running so short on time that you have to cut an entire match. I felt so bad for everyone involved in the 8 man tag team match that got bumped. This was the second largest Mania crowd ever and they didn’t get to perform in front of it like they thought they would. That’s way worse than not being booked at all.
It’s also inexcusable to have Jack Swagger drive to the ring in a customized vehicle but then not air it on television. This is not Smackdown where Swagger is already in the ring off a commercial break. This is freaking Wrestlemania and we come back from a video package to find Swagger already in the ring? That’s ridiculous. Everyone should get a big entrance at Mania, especially if you paid for the cool car.
WINNERS: CM Punk and The Undertaker
The old pro and the best in the world stole the show at Wrestlemania. They absolutely tore it up, and even though everyone with a brain and more than 5 minutes of WWE-watching experience should have known that Taker was winning, it was still a well played out story. CM Punk hits “old school!” CM Punk goes for “old school” and gets the top rope crotching to end all hopes for a Punk Jr! The Spanish Announcers table doesn’t break and Punk nearly breaks his ass and leg! Undertaker does his zombie-man sit-up while in Punk’s anaconda vice hold! Not only was this match the best on the card, these guys deserved to go on last. This was clearly the only thing anyone wanted to see. The crowd was pretty deflated and dead for the two “main events” that came after it.
WINNER: Spanish Announcers’ table
At the Royal Rumble, the Spanish annoucer’s table broke under the weight of Rock and Punk before a move could be performed. At Wrestlemania, the table absolutely did not budge one inch when Punk dove from the top turnbuckle onto the prone Undertaker. I think the table has just had enough of the abuse and is fighting back. “How many spots do I have to ruin before you stop fucking with me? It’s been years! You’ve kicked my ass and turned me into a joke! Well enough!” Sincerely, table.
LOSER: Triple H
Wrestlemania was all business. I can’t think of one single comedy spot. Indeed, the only hilarious thing that happened was that during Triple H’s big entrance, we were all distracted by this weird, unidentified substance all over the Game’s stomach. Maybe we’re projecting, but it looked like Brock even said something like, “what the hell is that?” Hunter did not notice that he had some white shit all over him until he stood on the turnbuckle and looked down. The look on his face was priceless.
That substance was later identified as dry ice and Trips suffered real burn injuries. Ouch! So, to recap Triple H’s Wrestlemania journey. He pees his pants during his big return. He obliviously has dry ice all over him and looks like a fool. The crowd chants “break his arm” when Brock is in control. The crowd is generally beyond dead for the second to last match of the night and is then deflated by his victory.
Hunter! You were a heel for most of your run and you slept your way to the top. No one wants to cheer for you. Putting yourself over a legit badass does not help. Just hang it up, man! I have never in my life, not once, said, “man, I really gotta see that Triple H match.” Just retire and inherit your empire, already.
LOSER: Shawn Michaels
If all you saw was the Heartbreak Kid at ringside for the Brock-Hunter match out of the man’s entire career, you would have no inkling that he is one of the greatest performers of all time and nicknamed “Mr. Wrestlemania.” This guy was a fearless wrestler. This guy co-founded Degeneration X and yelled “Suck it” to any and all authority. But Sunday night, he acted more like a coward than any cowardly heel could hope to be. I get that they’re trying to make Brock look like a monster everyone should be afraid of, but we can already see that for ourselves. We don’t need a hall of famer running from him to tell us that. Oh, and also when HBK finally did jump up on the apron, Brock broke his face with a stiff elbow. …Actually, maybe Shawn wasn’t acting.
LOSER: Finishing moves
There is nothing more exciting in pro wrestling than when the audience thinks the match is over but then someone kicks out of the pin. It’s called the ‘false finish.’ You know what makes the false finish less exciting? When you know it’s a false finish and are not surprised in the least. Countering finishing moves is standard; it happens on every episode of WWE TV, but kicking out of someone’s finisher should be a special moment. At Wrestlemania, one finisher is just not good enough. The end of the Rock-Cena title match was a joke, trading finishers, finisher countering and finisher stealing. It quickly went from exciting to tedious. I know that the two of them only know ten moves between them, but there are other ways to create false finishes and tell the “what do I have to do to win???” story. Hell, Cena just told that story on Raw a few weeks ago in his match against CM Punk. They were so frustrated by knowing each other so well, they had to bust out new moves and try new stuff. But Cena and Rock didn’t try new stuff. They just kept trying the same stuff over and over and it totally degraded their finishers.
WINNER: Arena crowds
LOSER: Stadium crowds
Wrestlemania held in a football stadium is not going to go away. If you can get 80,000 paying customers through the gate, then that’s what you do. The trade off is that the crowd might not be as lively as one would hope. Or if it is, it might not come across that way. The acoustics at Metlife Stadium did not do the show any favors. I read someone on Twitter say it was the hottest crowd they had ever been a part of. It certainly didn’t seem that way on television. It could be because the “Super Bowl of Wrestling” draws a more casual crowd. It could be because it was cold and rainy. Maybe it’s just hard to get 80,000 people to all cheer, boo or chant for the same thing. Whatever it was, the Wrestlemania live audience came across as disinterested whether they were or not and it hurt the product.
The Raw crowd, on the other hand, literally took over. It was the craziest, goofiest thing I’ve ever seen from an audience and I have not yet deleted it from my DVR because I intend to watch it again. The crowd was so frenzied, the announcers and performers couldn’t ignore it. It became the story of the show. Wrestlemania will always be in stadiums, but the Izod crowd proved that a smaller, indoor setting still has tremendous value.
7. The World Heavyweight Championship: Alberto Del Rio (with Ricardo Rodriguez) [champion] vs. Jack Swagger (with Zeb Colter)
The Road: Jack Swagger shocked the world when he won the Elimination Chamber and earned this title match. He and his new manager, Zeb Colter, have been running their mouths about what’s wrong with America. They have a particular distaste for non-Americans living and working in America, especially illegally. Alberto Del Rio, on the other hand, has adopted this country as his home and is so proud to have worked hard and realized the American dream. (conveniently ignoring the fact that he is a filthy rich, entitled aristocrat, which probably helped him along the way. But forget that! He’s just like you and if he can do it, you can do it! Yay, Americaz!)
This feud has since taken a turn toward the personal (don’t they all?) when Del Rio and Ricardo began airing unfunny vignettes mocking Jack and Zeb’s ‘We the People’ hate-fueled Youtube posts. Swagger retaliated by breaking Ricardo’s ankle. Both champion and challenger have come out of the crowd to attack their rival. On the latest Raw, Colter and Swagger whipped Del Rio so hard with the remnants of Ricardo’s broken crutches, it left sick-looking marks all over the champion’s back. Shit just got real, and those slashes looked really real. I dare say they were legit.
What Will Probably Happen: Happiness is usually what Wrestlemania provides to its mark audience and that coupled with Swagger’s recent legal troubles, means I just can’t see the champion going down here. WWE has clicked “Ignore All” when it comes to the real world matters Jack got himself involved in, but at the time it happened, the feud seemed a lot hotter. Since it has kind of fizzled along the way, I wouldn’t be surprised if Swagger’s suspension begins on Monday. And he was never seen again.
What I Want to Happen: Colter has been holding this thing together by being so damn good at cutting heel promos. I hope they can cut out Swagger without losing Zeb. Maybe when Jack fails, Zeb will go back to the drawing board and find someone else to do his heavy lifting. There are quite a few big dudes in NXT who could step right in and keep this ‘We the People’ angle going.
Also, a Dolph Ziggler cash-in would be nice, but I don’t think it will happen. I think they’re waiting for Dolph’s angle to be that he’s running out of time to use the briefcase. “He’s only got a month left until Money in the Bank, King! He’s ready to panic! The clock is ticking!”
8. Triple H (with Shawn Michaels) vs. Brock Lesnar (with Paul Heyman)
The Road: Just as Vince McMahon was about to fire Paul Heyman during a performance review (I guess Heyman is on the roster, even though you would think he was actually CM Punk and Brock’s employee, but never mind) The Next Big Thing reappeared and took out the chairman. While still recovering from hip surgery, Mr. McMahon challenged Heyman to a fight. Predicatably, Brock came to Paul’s aid again. Even more predictably, Triple H came out to defend his father-in-law. Heyman crafted a deal that a match would only take place if HHH agreed to Brock’s terms without knowing what they were. They turned out to be a No Holds Barred stipulation, (which I think means that Zeus is the referee) and Trips must put his career ON THE LINE. Can The Game get his revenge and save his career? Or will Brock end Hunter’s wrestling life?
What Will Probably Happen: Triple H will get his revenge and keep his career. It will probably involve a sledge hammer and an assist from some sweet chin music courtesy of his best friend. Pretty straight forward.
What I Want to Happen: What if HBK turns on his old DX partner? Say Michaels is really mad about that broken arm he got last summer. Shawn begged Hunter not to take that match and he did anyway. And he lost. HBK knows his friend and knows that Hunter will never know when enough is enough and that he should hang up the tights. So Michaels will take that decision away from him. It’s for his own good! Then they can have an ‘unsanctioned fight’ between two retired guys at Extreme Rules. I have not seen this prediction anywhere else on the internet. If this actually happens, you heard it here first!
9. The Undertaker vs. CM Punk (with Paul Heyman, possibly dressed as Paul Bearer)
The Road: The Undertaker opened an episode of Raw by appearing under the Wrestlemania sign. CM Punk won a fatal fourway match to become Taker’s opponent. Then Paul Bearer died in real life, and things got personal. CM Punk stole the urn, which presumably contained the ashes of Undertaker’s former manager, even though they would probably give those to his family instead of a former co-worker, but whatever…it’s the symbolism! Punk is getting in his head by stealing that urn! It’s the source of Undertaker’s powers!!!…except for all those times he didn’t have it, like when he was a motorcycle guy. On the final episode of Raw, Punk beat down the Dead Man, opened the urn and poured the actual dead man’s ashes all over him. Grrrr! So wrong! We’re so edgy and offensive! No, really. People were offended by this. I suppose people who have never watched wrestling before. To me, this wasn’t even in the top ten. And probably not even in the Undertaker’s personal top 5 of horrible moments.
Sidebar! Here are things to be offended by in WWE’s history that are arguably worse than pouring fake ashes out of an urn:
The Undertaker crucified Stone Cold Steve Austin on a cross Undertaker symbol.
The Undertaker attempted to embalm Steve Austin alive.
The Undertaker attempted to murder Paul Bearer by pouring concrete on him. AND IT WASN’T EVEN A HEEL TURN!
Pretty much every Japanese, Mexican or African character to ever set foot in a WWE ring.
That time Chavo Guerrero became Kerwin White.
The Big Bossman stealing the casket from Big Show’s father’s funeral and driving off with it.
The Big Bossman killing Al Snow’s dog and feeding it to him.
Triple H climbing into a casket and fucking a mannequin that represented Kane’s dead girlfriend.
Gene Snitsky punting a baby doll that represented the baby he helped accidentally abort. (Surprisingly, I thought the actual lost pregnancy was handled with unusual reserve and was well done!)
WWE promoting to anyone who would listen that they were going to have their gay characters get married and it was totally not a swerve and it was definitely going to really happen and then it was a swerve and it definitely didn’t happen.
Oh, there’s a lot more. But it’s time to move on.
What Will Probably Happen: The Undertaker will win and go to 21-0. I thought Punk had a chance when it was just a straight-up match, but this over the top evil will not stand on the biggest show of the year.
What I Want to Happen: I want CM Punk to win! I want him to appear the next night on Raw declaring himself back in the title hunt since he just did what no one else could do in twenty previous attempts. Seriously, the guy hasn’t won on pay-per-view in months. Can we get back to having him be the best in the world again?
10. The WWE Championship: The Rock (champion) vs. John Cena
The Road: John Cena won the Royal Rumble and decided to challenge for the WWE title. Rock holds that title. Cena claims that his failure to back up last year’s war of words with a victory has sent him into a shame spiral. He feels the only reason he lost was because he pandered to the crowd and tried to do the People’s Elbow. He will not make that mistake again. The Rock says, “I beat you once and I will beat you again.”
What Will Probably Happen: It’s been almost two years since John Cena has been the champion. His time is now. Plus, you can’t have the face of the company losing twice to a part-timer. That would be even worse than Punk jobbing to the People’s Elbow. Cena’s victory will most likely set up a rubber match next year, so we can have the same main event three years in a row.
What I Want to Happen: I want neither of these guys to be the champion somehow. But since that’s not possible, at least have Cena turn quasi-heel. If he HAS to win, like he claims, then let him do it by dubious means. DC almost booed him out of the arena on Monday and I can only imagine what the smart New York crowd is going to do to him. Embrace the hate, Cena! Tell the haters to kiss your ass. Do something interesting besides shilling T-shirts, cutting nonsensical, go-nowhere promos and generally being the worst at everything!
The time for talking (…and talking and talking) is over! The time for action is upon us! And there had better be a lot of action; those guys need to keep moving to stay warm. Sunday’s high is listed as 62 degrees and that’s during the day. If the WWE performers give us goosebumps at Wrestlemania, it will be partly because they have so many to spare.
1. (Pre-show): Intercontinental Championship: Wade Barrett (champion) vs. The Miz
The Road: Wade Barrett is the champion. Miz wants the title because, well, um, he has fallen out of the main event scene in the last 2 years, couldn’t beat Kofi Kingston to regain the IC title last year and couldn’t beat Antonio Cesaro for the US Title. So what else is he gonna do? This feud has consisted of Wade Barrett wrestling matches while Miz is on commentary and then they yell at each other. Or to change things up, The Miz wrestling and Wade Barrett on commentary and then they yell at each other. In case you thought the midcard championships were worth anything at all, just consider that the IC title match is not even on the pay-per-view portion of the show and the Divas title and US title are at best, unannounced. At worst, not booked at all.
What Will Probably Happen: The Miz will force Wade to tap out to the Figure 4 and become the new Intercontinental champion. Barrett has done almost literally nothing as champion. He can continue to lose to Randy Orton and Alberto Del Rio and Sheamus on TV three times a week without the embarrassment of having gold around his waist. At least with Miz being the color commentator on Main Event, the belt will be visible. I guess.
What I Want to Happen: Barrett knocks out Miz in less than a minute, then gets on the mic and challenges anyone. Bo Dallas hops out of the crowd and says, “remember when he we had that feud that got dropped inexplicably? Well, I’m back!” Impromptu match, new champion. Not that I really WANT Barrett to lose, per se, but I sure would like something interesting to happen with this formerly meaningful championship.
2. 8 person tag team match: Tons of Funk (Brodus Clay & Tensai) + The Funkadactyls (Naomi & Cameron) vs. The Rhodes Scholars (Damien Sandow & Cody Rhodes) & The Bella Twins (Brie & Nikki)
This match will either be first or be the filler before the main event. I’m listing them in order of importance though, so I’ll start here.
The Road: Cody Rhodes was seriously considering crossing heel-face locker room battle lines to ask out the Divas champion, Kaitlyn. Sandow, intentionally or not, nipped this in the bud by reintroducing the Bella Twins. The Bellas then introduced themselves to the Funkadactyls by beating them up. Since the Scholars and the Bellas have now become an inseperable foursome, Sandow & Rhodes were more than happy to put the Funky Ones on their radar as representatives of the unenlightened masses. It remains to be seen if Cody is fully on board with his fellow heels or if his eyes are staring longingly down the hall toward what might have been.
What Will Probably Happen: The heels have been getting victories and one-ups at every turn in the last few weeks. Therefore, wrestling logic dictates that the faces will prevail. Especially if this is the pay-per-view opener.
What I Want to Happen: I love the Scholars as best friends. It was adorable the way they wore each others’ authentic WWEShop T-shirts on Raw. But all friendships go through trials and tribulations. I would like Kaitlyn to distract Cody and complicate the brewing love pentagon that has been teased. But who am I kidding? Mid-card feuds don’t get that complicated and I’m sure Kaitlyn telling Cody to shove it was considered the end of that (non) angle.
3. Chris Jericho vs. Fandango
The Road: This was a head-scratcher at first. Last year, Jericho came back to challenge for the WWE Championship. This year, he’s facing the latest NXT call-up. Weird. Anyway, Fandango’s deal is that he won’t wrestle unless his name is pronounced correctly, which has proven impossible for anyone who tries it, because that’s how heels operate. When Fandango interrupted a Jericho backstage promo for no reason whatsoever, Jericho also got his name wrong, in the process, rattling off a list of clearly wrong Jericho-isms like Fan-dingbat, etc. Since then, Fandango has been attacking Y2J at every turn, dropping Alabama Jams on him and demanding Jericho say his name.
What Will Probably Happen: Chris Jericho has spent the latter half of his career and (even more so in his latest return) putting people over. Jericho has been losing so much that it has lost its impact. The intended effect is “wow, that guy beat Jericho, he must be good.” But it’s been happening so much, now it’s more like, “Why is Jericho a jobber?” Jericho is a great performer and I’ve heard nothing but good things about Johnny Curtis (Fandango) so this could be a card highlight. And then Jericho will lose.
What I Want to Happen: As much as I hate seeing Y2J do the job yet again, I don’t see how a win would help him. It would only hurt Fandango. So for once, my wants are lined up with what will probably happen. What I DON’T want to happen is for Curtis to break his ass doing the Alabama Jam. That is one move WWE doesn’t have to worry about me trying at home.
4. Tag Team Championship: Team Hell No (Kane & Daniel Bryan) [champions] vs. Dolph Ziggler (with AJ Lee) & Big E. Langston
The Road: D-Bry & Kane are both part of AJ Lee’s storyline dating history, so Bryan took great pleasure in seeing her accidentally doused with water by Ricardo Rodriguez. Over the weeks, Ziggler has scored singles victories over both tag champions and Big E has laid down unprovoked beatings as exclamation points. Team Hell No finally laid out a Wrestlemania challenge, which was accepted. This will be Big E. Langston’s first match in WWE. …Not counting the fact that he is the NXT champion. WWE has had a hard time deciding if NXT exists or not. They mention it every time a rookie is on television, yet its storylines don’t count in main roster canon.
What Will Probably Happen: This is a true clash of opposing “rules.” The faces getting beaten down constantly means that they should win. But no one loses their debut. So will Hell No get their revenge and retain or will Big E win a title in his first match? It’s a tough call. I fear Bryan and Kane will be arguing and the heels will get the jump on them for a victory in mere seconds. Then it can become a running gag that Daniel Bryan loses championships at Wrestlemania in under a minute every year. Or I can see Ziggler calling AJ up to the apron for a kiss and that costs them the titles quickly. The story could be that it’s AJ Lee who is a Wrestlemania curse. OR, Ziggler could get the kiss and have Langston run interference for him; this way they can acknowledge history and DZ can say he was too smart for that. I honestly don’t know what will happen, but my gut says that since we didn’t get the champions breaking up on the road to WM, they will probably keep the belts here.
What I Want to Happen: I want “Ziggy & Biggie” to capture the gold, have Dolph cash in on his world title Money in the Bank, have Big E be the American who can beat Antonio Cesaro in an impromptu match, and have AJ beat Kaitlyn for the Divas title. Then they can all come out the next night on Raw with their 4 championships. The internet wrestling community would wet its collective pants with delight.
5. Ryback vs. Mark Henry
The Road: There will be no flying head scissors in this battle of the big boys. This a feud that began simply by the two behemoths passing each other on the entrance ramp. It has since escalated to a personal level. At a bench pressing exhibition, Henry stopped Ryback from beating his mark by grabbing the bar and attempting to murder his rival. Since he technically did not touch him, the no contact clause was not violated. I don’t often agree with Jerry Lawler, but he got it right that that is a very dubious technicality. Ryback countered on Raw by throwing Santino at the world’s strongest man.
What Will Probably Happen: See in that picture how Ryback is clearly in front of Mark? What do you think is going to happen? What’s going to happen is that I will be weeping openly into my ‘Bent on Destruction’ shirt when my boy gets shell shocked by that big bald doofus.
What I Want to Happen: I love everything about Mark Henry. I love the way his squash matches are old school squash matches where he no sells everything. Santino can’t hang with him so he beats him in two moves! I love the way he yells stuff like, “That’s what I do!!!!” Mark Henry randomly yelling stuff is hilarious. I love his theme song. That is why I can forgive him for trying to murder Ryback because it says right in the lyrics that he is going to murder people. Ryback should have known better, honestly. I love Henry so much right now, I even hesitate to call him my second favorite wrestler. I’ve been leaning toward CM Punk as 1-A and Henry as 1-B. So obviously, I want Henry to world’s strongest slam Ryback so hard that it breaks the ring and Ryback has to be pulled from television until Summerslam to sell that he was almost dead from being Mark Henry’d. That’s what I do!
6. Randy Orton, Sheamus & The Big Show vs. The Shield (Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins & Roman Reigns)
The Road: The Shield have been coming through the crowd to beat down babyfaces since Survivor Series. Usually, the heels involved in the match that gets interrupted just leave, but Big Show was still recovering from the fight when he got accidentally bumped during a Shield-induced melee. He retaliated with an instinctive knockout punch. This put Show on the Shield’s radar, so they laid him out on the following Raw. When Ryback got pulled from this six man tag match in order to face Mark Henry, Randy & Sheamus were left without a partner. Big Show offered to fill the spot, but the faces were reluctant. The Giant is cranky and unpredictable. Could they really trust him if they put a heel on their team? The trio have since had a series of matches together, with mixed results. But whenever The Shield tries to attack, the three men have stood back to back, ready for the fight. It appears that as long as they continue to share a common enemy, all will be okay. For now.
What Will Probably Happen: This is another tough one to call. Teams that had John Cena and Ryback on them couldn’t take down the Shield. This seems to me like a weaker team than the last one that faced them. And the combustible element of two faces teaming with a heel leaves the door wide open for disagreements to be their downfall. On the other hand, that could be just what they want us to think so it will be a “surprise” when they pull off the victory. And the “hounds of justice” has just about run its course. How long are these guys going to keep doing run-ins and hardly ever wrestling? Ultimately, I feel like the thing that makes the most sense is for the Shield to win while the reluctant allies blow up and start a feud amongst themselves so that they’ll all have something to do post-Mania.
What I Want to Happen: Like I said, the Shield gimmick has run its course. Despite the push they’re getting, I feel like they’ve hit a wall. I’d like to see them broken up and given something new to do. Like wrestle in more matches, for one.
PART 2 will be posted tomorrow where I’ll run down the top half of the card.
The Irish Whip 