WWE Summerslam ’97

It’s an exciting couple of days coming up for me.  I’m going to Extreme Rules in East Rutherford, NJ tomorrow night and Monday I’ll be at the Times Union Center in Albany for the follow-up Raw.  In anticipation, I decided to watch the only other pay-per-view I experienced live: Summerslam 1997.  This  was subtitled “Hart & Soul” because the main event was Undertaker defending the world title against Bret Hart and also because during the In Your House era, all shows had to have subtitles.

Cage Match: Hunter Hearst Helmsley (w/Chyna) vs. Mankind

The card kicked off with a steel cage grudge match to get the crowd pumped up.  Triple H and Foley had great chemistry and a pretty famous rivalry but I don’t think this particular match gets mentioned very often as part of it.  That’s a shame because it’s a good match, especially considering that 1) it uses the silly-looking Hogan-era blue cage and 2) this took place before they realized pinfalls should be allowed and therefore escaping was the only way to win.  I hate this stipulation because the idea of trying to get away from your opponent flies in the face of every act of heroism or bitter grudge ever created.

There are some fun spots, some of which would not be allowed in today’s safer enviroment.  Hunter hits a superplex off the top of the cage about 5 minutes in which sets the tone in spectacular fashion.  Chyna gets heavily involved, at one point slamming the cage door on Foley’s head.  (We didn’t think much of concussions back then, kids.  Now seeing this feels similar to watching black and white movies where everyone is smoking and slapping dames around).

Here’s a suplex into a tree of woe against the cage.

Foley is about to climb out of the cage when he suddenly becomes inspired by the spirits of Superfly Snuka and the young Dude Love who wanted to be him.  He climbs back up and drops an elbow off the top of the cage.  Not exactly a Superfly Splash, but it’s the thought that counts.  Chyna screws this sequence up badly because she climbs into the ring to drag Hunter out before Mick gets his epiphany and then awkwardly leaves for no reason.  Foley hits the spot and then she goes back in for the final race between Mankind climbing out and Chyna dragging HHH to the door.  Eh, Chyna was terrible; just read Bob Holly’s book or Jericho’s books.  Anyway, Mankind wins, collapses to the floor and is revived by the funky music of Dude Love.  He dances his way out and everyone is happy.

NO MORE TAXES!

One of the underrated fun things about watching unedited old shows is that you get to vaguely remember D-list celebrities, hear announcers make references you no longer understand and hear all about whatever hot button issues were affecting wrestling at the time.  The other day on Old School Raw, they were hyping the famous people who would be at Wrestlemania X and the list included Showtime’s Bucky & Vinny, at which point I correctly asked myself, Who the EFF are Showtime’s Bucky & Vinny?  Here at Summerslam ’97, Gov. Christie Whitman is presented with a championship belt for eliminating the New Jersey TV Wrestling tax, allowing the WWF to grace the state with their presence for the first time in 8 years.  YAY!  Her 90’s clothes are amazing to behold and she knows who the Headbangers are so she earns some cool points.  She might one day be president, Vince McMahon incorrectly predicts.

“Loose Cannon” Brian Pillman vs. Goldust (w/ Marlena)

If I remember correctly, this is the angle Pillman died during and this is his last ever pay-per-view match.  Me remembering things correctly is iffy at best, though.  I’m getting kind of old.  The Hart Foundation, which Pillman was a part of for some reason, all had stipulations put into their matches this night to make things more interesting.  If Pillman lost, he would have to wear a dress the next night on Raw.  With no counter-stakes for Goldust, the outcome is pretty obvious.  Goldie botches a sunset flip badly and holds onto Pillman’s legs for 5 minutes before Marlena hits the Loose Cannon with her purse.  Pillman would go on to be one of wrestling’s tragedies; Goldust would have to wait 16 years to inexplicably become a better wrestler.

Legion of Doom vs The Godwinns

Speaking of my iffy memory, the fact that the Godwinns were ever heels had been completely erased by my brain’s hard drive.  And I was AT this event, which you would think would make it a little more memorable.  NOPE.  My brain (correctly) deemed this information dump-worthy.  This is actually a watchable slugfest between four beefy dudes.  The Godwinns are actually physically bigger and taller than Hawk and Animal, which is impressive to behold because I never really held the Godwinns as anything special in my head (obviously).  This is a weird “heels seeking revenge” match because Henry was coming back from a legit neck injury caused by an awkward landing on the Doomsday Device.  So of course, LOD ends the match by using a spike piledriver.  UGH.  Trust me, Henry won’t be the only one with a sore neck tonight and the piledriver will soon be banished forever…

WIN A MILLION DOLLARS!!!!!

The WWE Network recently had a Countdown show that named Vince McMahon’s Million Dollar giveaway as the biggest blunder of all time.  (Shockmaster was way bigger than that for my taste, but leave it to WWE to make sure their company wins absolutely everything).  But little did you know, that disaster was not the first time Vince tried to give away a million dollars and it wasn’t even the first time he tried to do it by making live telephone calls.  Todd Pettengill (God help us) is standing by with two contest winners who are in attendance along with Sunny and Sable, who are there to skank up the proceedings.  They each pick a key out of 100 to try and unlock the million dollar coffin.  (What?)  BUT WAIT, they are also going to add two more contestants by calling some other winners off a list.  First call:  NO ANSWER.  Second call:  THIS NUMBER HAS BEEN DISCONNECTED.  Third call:  Answered but, awkwardly, the guy is not watching the show because his cable company doesn’t carry it.  That guy loses, the second caller loses and the two people in person lose.  This whole segment is the live execution of Todd Pettengill’s WWF career.

At least he got to see Sunny’s boobs. Like that’s an accomplishment…

BTW, the correct key was #3.  That seems like a number someone could have easily picked.  They really wanted to give that money away. Better luck next time.  (NOPE)

European Title Match: British Bulldog vs. Ken Shamrock

The wacky stipulation in this one is that the loser has to eat dog food.  I think Shamrock may be one of those guys Vince secretly didn’t like because he goes out of his way to explain how Kenny is having a hard time adapting from UFC to WWF style.  For example, in wrestling you have to get used to more histrionics, such as dog food stipulations.  Real discussion had during the match.  The finish comes when Bulldog shoves some dog food in Shamrock’s face, sending the world’s most dangerous man into rage mode.  Bulldog retains by DQ but Shamrock chokes him out and then attacks referees and officials to the wild cheers of all in attendance.  Dude really hates dog food, which, by the way, is totally edible.  God only knows how he would have reacted to a dog shit match.

Gang Warfare: Los Boricuas vs Disciples of the Apocalypse (DOA)

Faarooq fired Crush and Savio Vega from the Nation of Domination and turned it into a black power thing. Crush countered by starting a white trash biker gang and Savio started a Puerto Rican gang.  And yes, the white people were the good guys, of course.  DUH.  NOD comes down to the ring to have a look and eventually Ahmed Johnson hits Chainz with the worst Pearl River Plunge ever, gently letting him fall onto his own legs and definitely not on BY GAWD, THE CONCRETE FLOOR!  Boricuas take advantage and get the win, brawl ensues.  Race wars, everybody!  The Attitude Era begins!

THE MATCH THAT WILL LIVE IN INFAMY: IC TITLE-OWEN HART VS STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN

NOOOOOOOOOOOO

1.  Owen Hart is fantastic and we all miss him dearly to this day.

2. We all need to appreciate what an amazing breath of fresh air the Stone Cold character was to the landscape of pro wrestling and just how freaking over he was.

3. This was a hot match but it’s hard to watch because you just sit there dreading the finish you know is coming.

So Owen botches the tombstone piledriver and legit breaks Austin’s neck.  Owen parades around the ring FOREVER for no reason but to stall for time.  Austin recovers barely enough to get a half-assed roll-up victory.  Maybe they should have changed the ending but their hands were tied by the silly stipulation that if Owen won, Austin would have to kiss his bare ass.  LIVE REPORT 17 YEARS LATE:  As staunch heel supporters who had quickly turned against babyface Austin and were #1 Owen fans, my brother and I were appalled and horrified by this crappy ending.  We obviously couldn’t know that Austin was hurt so it just looked to us like Owen was being a stupid idiot followed by the weakest ending of all time.  WE WERE FURIOUS.  WHY IS OWEN JUST WALKING AROUND???  GRRRRR!!!! It seemed to go on for at least five minutes.  On TV, it’s not really that long, though it is obvious that something is very wrong as Austin has suddenly turned into a dying floppy fish.  And at least on TV, you can hear Owen screaming, “He’s gonna kiss my ass!” and chanting for Canada.  It doesn’t make him look any less stupid, but it’s a little better than him doing absolutely nothing which is what it looked like from our seats in the arena.

Here is your winner…

WWF WORLD TITLE MATCH: The Undertaker vs. Bret Hart (guest referee Shawn Michaels)

Bret Hart has started a war between Canada and America and it’s one of the more bizarre angles in wrestling history in terms of bizarre angles that TOTALLY WORKED.  The stipulations got a little complicated here.  If Bret lost, he would never again wrestle in America. (But he hates America, wouldn’t that make him happy?  Never mind.)  If Shawn Michaels showed a bias toward the Undertaker, he would also be banned from wrestling in America.  He’d have to become a luchador, I guess.

I remember that this match put me in an awkward spot.  I have always disliked the Undertaker.  I’ve always loved Bret Hart.  But I can’t root for the Canada guy in the middle of a rabid American crowd.  Plus, I’m an American so why am I rooting against my country…ahhhhh!  I believe I ultimately chose complete indifference.

OH MY GOD, this Undertaker guy is soooooo boring.  He’s never going to make it.  Even with HBK’s dilemma as well as appearances by Paul “Kane is alive!!!” Bearer AND Brian Pillman AND Owen Hart, even the gifted Bret Hart could not carry Taker to an interesting match.  It’s so slow and plodding and oh, the rest holds disguised as working the leg!  How great are those?  After a very long time, HBK takes a bump made all the worse by the striped shirt he is wearing (as you know, even pro wrestlers acting as officials cannot have one single physical thing happen to them in any way without almost dying).  Bret uses a chair, but Taker kicks out.  Michaels, using brain power uncommon in most referees, realizes Bret used the chair and gets up in his face.  Bret spits on him with REAL SPIT (gross) and HBK swings the chair toward Hart, who ducks, causing Taker to get hit instead.  Bret makes the cover, HBK curses and is forced to count the fall that makes his mortal enemy the champion.  He walks away disgusted.  Undertaker is mad.  Bret Hart celebrates with the Hart Foundation while garbage is thrown in the ring.

OOPS

You know, Bret spent all those years being mad at everyone about the Montreal Screwjob but he conveniently overlooks how Shawn Michaels screwed him into the title in the first place.  HBK giveth and he taketh away.

This garbage represents you fans. This is a new world organization, brother.