I’m sure Dwayne Johnson is a nice enough guy. I appreciate his part in WWE’s Attitude Era. I find his segments on WWE programs tolerable, for the most part. And I think it’s really cool that he didn’t forget the company he left behind once he became a larger than life movie star. So if I have nothing against him, why do I feel such contempt whenever I think about the WWE Champion? Well, I pondered it a bit. And here’s exactly why I hate The Rock:
Pictured: the worst.
5. He Doesn’t Show Up
There are roughly 6 hours of major storyline-driven programming that WWE puts on every single week: 3 hours of Monday Night Raw, 1 hour of Main Event and 2 hours of Friday Night Smackdown. If you want to count the extra long overruns on Monday, you could argue that it’s more like 6 and a half. The Rock is the current WWE Champion, the only championship that really, really matters and he is going to defend that title in the main event of Wrestlemania, the highest achievement a professional wrestler can reach. It’s a pretty big deal. Rock’s grand total of appearances during the “Road to Wrestlemania?” Three*. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for your champion to be on your television shows during money season. Yes, he’s busy. I understand. But a five minute promo via Skype, saying he’s going to win, saying he misses the WWE Universe, whatever, it doesn’t matter what he would say, just as long as he’s visible. No-showing almost every single show makes it seem like he doesn’t care and it weakens both the television product and the prestige of the company’s #1 championship.
But the trade off is all the mainstream publicity he is bringing to the company, right? Wrong! He appeared on Jay Leno and made not one single mention of WWE, his championship or the biggest pay-per-view of the year.
*I started writing this earlier in the week and it was originally TWO appearances until he actually showed up on Smackdown. Still, I don’t think the champ being on TV should ever be classified as a “pleasant surprise.”
4. He’s a phony
Last Monday, John Cena said that The Rock doesn’t know what failure is like because The Rock has never failed at anything. Far be it from me to enjoy a Cena promo, but in this case, he’s right. An appropriate response, especially from a character as arrogant as The Rock is supposed to be, would have been, “Uh, that’s because I am awesome and the best at everything.” Instead, The Rock insisted that he had failed in the past and got to the top by persevering. It really leaves a bad taste in my mouth when “The People’s Champion” actually tries to convince us he is one of the people. I’m sure he’s not entirely lying; in a bid to make it on his own, he probably did buy a lousy car and sleep on a lousy mattress. But come on, The Rock is the son and grandson of professional wrestlers and he became a professional wrestler himself. Tell me that didn’t at least get his foot in WWE’s door. Yes, Rocky Maivia the Blue Chipper was a lousy character, but to play it off as one of your failures is delusional. There are thousands of people who would love to step in a WWE ring and have one match and they will never be afforded the same opportunities that came with being Dwayne Johnson. It’s not a bad thing, necessarily, but saying that you’re just like me is a false notion that I just can’t get behind.
3. He’s Not a Very Good Wrestler
I generally only support evil characters, but at the Royal Rumble, I marked the hell out when Chris Jericho returned. Why? Because watching guys who can put on a 5 star match on any given night trumps my love for villainy. Y2J spends months away from the sport but he not only stays in shape, he stays in WRESTLING shape. When he is in WWE, he is fully immersed, wrestling at house shows and everything. Rock may spike the buyrates and his charisma alone makes him a main eventer, but when he flounders during his handful of matches every single time, it makes me cringe and feel like he doesn’t belong there. Rock loves to say Just Bring It, but he hasn’t brought it himself in a very long time. At last year’s Mania, there was more resting than wrestling. People were complaining about his bad matches with CM Punk. Punk! CM Punk could pull a guy from the crowd and get a two star match out of him. (Maybe a grudge match with that guy he elbowed a few months ago!) John Cena may only have the “5 moves of Doom” but it’s at least two or three more than Rock has.
2. He Didn’t Earn It (in storyline)
When Rock showed up at Raw 1000 to declare himself the challenger for Punk’s championship at Royal Rumble, it single-handedly destroyed the most basic of all WWE storytelling devices. Earning a shot! Dolph Ziggler (and Cena) had to earn title shots by surviving the Money in the Bank ladder matches. Jack Swagger earned his title shot by enduring the Elimination Chamber. John Cena outlasted 29 other men in the grueling Royal Rumble battle royale. For every other pay-per-view, Smackdown will often have a #1 contender match to see who the challenger will be. And then The Rock shows up and gets a shot because…he wants one? How fair is that? Are there past champion provisionals like in NASCAR? Then say that at least, even if it’s dumb. Give us some kind of bone to grab to justify Rocky just placing himself in the title hunt by walking in the door.
And oh, by the way, he lost that match he never earned! But Vince McMahon came out and restarted it. CM Punk may be the heel, but every on-screen temper tantrum he ever threw seems totally within his right. He really did get screwed. The Rock was handed his shot and then he was handed the title. That’s not exactly riveting storytelling.
1. He Robbed Us of An Epic Wrestlemania Main Event and Replaced it With a Rerun
Speaking of Punk, until two months ago, he was the longest-reigning WWE Champion in this age of 12 pay-per-views a year. From Survivor Series ’11 to Royal Rumble ’13, Punk was king of the hill. The Undertaker has a DiMaggio-like feat in that he has never lost at the biggest show of the year. 20-0. (Next closest is probably The Miz at 3-0 but they’re not exactly going to be releasing DVDs of his tag title defense and his being on the winning team in a ten man tag match). Can you imagine the magnitude of a man reigning for a year and a half defending against a man who has never lost at that event? It could have been one of the biggest, most intriguing and most important matches in history. Instead it’s relegated to the midcard where Punk has no stakes in the proceedings and is very likely to become Just Another Victim because he stepped in Taker’s yard or whatever.
The main event instead is the same one as last year. You know what happens to reruns through the course of history? They get forgotten or blended together. I like to stay at a different beach house every summer because it makes the memories more distinct in my mind. We stayed at the same place for three years recently, and I can’t recall what moments are from one summer to the next in that house. In twenty years, will I be asking, “Which Wrestlemania did Rock fight Cena?…oh that’s right it was two times.” And that pisses me off because I could be thinking back to an epic streak vs streak match, but they didn’t let it happen. I know The Rock is not all to blame for this, but it would be foolish to think his ego had nothing to do it. I’m sure WWE didn’t call Hollywood last year begging him to come back and be the champion.
…In summary, um…GRRR I hate The Rock! Now I have to root for John Cena. Or worse, sit on my hands.
The Irish Whip 